Wrong

I used to be confident.

Confidence, you know, is the most attractive thing -

that's all anyone tries to be anymore.

Attractive. 

But I do it for me because

I play out or not at all

on switch

off switch.

Right?

But I walk into that room

and I've had bad years

and math has always been an insecurity

because I ask too many questions

and for some reason the track my brain is on

does not sync up with anyone else's.

Don't listen to her.

She doesn't know.

I don't know

but I'm trying to understand...

I raised my hand exactly once this year 

only to answer the question wrong

I vowed to never do it again.

I hate being wrong and I hate being wrong

in front of judgmental classmates.

That's my fault but

I just want to be able to say

Yes! This makes sense!

And sometimes I do.

But in that room it's all wrong.

My answers are right,

my process is wrong,

and the process is the most important thing.

My process is right,

my answers are wrong,

and the answers are the most important thing.

I'm always

the

worst 

thing

and I don't know why.

I try really hard

I promise!

I just can't ask for help because I can't even do fraction division

it makes me feel stupid.

I'm not stupid.

I'm supposed to be the smart one.

I won three out of three rounds of mock spelling bees yesterday

raised my hand to correct everyone.

Progrom

piccolo

archipelago

sporadic

language of origin?

I'm okay to be cocky because words are words

and music is music

and you could say math is math but it's not.

It's a concept made up by humans to understand a world

that's not supposed to be understood.

What if I don't want to know?

I miss the feeling

of knowing everything.

I've never had it with computation but

last year I came close

dared to dream

maybe by the time I get to high school

I'll know this

it'll make sense

I won't be so scared and feel so bad

and be so insecure and behind and stressed!

It never does make sense.

It never will.

I built a wall when I learned one plus one

because what if it equals three?

Wait... does it?

I want to be different but not like that

I'm tired of being the one arguing a stupid point 

no one else understands

sitting there staring at ceilings, walls, my empty paper

while everyone else does something 

I don't know what

and pulls ahead of me

the train's left the station

and I'm not on it

I'm left out again

self-worth depleted.

I just really thought this would be my year

because things are never going to get easier

and I can handle harder

I really thought I could

back when I used to know everything.

I'm so sick of asking all the wrong questions

giving all the wrong answers

being wrong wrong wrong because there are a million right answers

to my brain the unknown variable

and yet I found the one that's wrong

out of ALL OF THEM.

I just want to feel confident again like I did when

I used to know everything.