confessions

I don't hate you. I never have, I promise.

There's moments, glimpses, murmurs in my head

that I think maybe

maybe I hate you

but I don't. 

The way you act? The things you do? I don't like those but I could never hate you. Never you.

is this how God felt when Lucifer dropped from his arms or are you God and I the fallen Saint?

you were always more angelic, golden headed and sky-eyed. 

Nails to hammers to wood, the first swing always misses; the second hasn’t decided if its better or worse

I hold on too tight to you but its loose the grip I keep

I hold on and on and on but you're slipping again and again and again

could a world without you exist? is that allowable?

would I fall to the hellish wasteland upon your departure or would you when you decide to leave me for fire?

the same story, the same characters and caricatures all repainted and repainted

the original was never truly the only, you were never truly alone

the same story repeats now with us but I don't know which arc ours will follow

biblical or satirical, harsh or genuine?

a fit of tears and hospital walls and the grotesque images of fleeting life that I hold on too tight to

are you Cain?

Too loose of a grip, too tight of a hold

am I Abel?

i'll say I hate you, I'll say I never loved you but I lie

or are our roles reversed?

with each lie I think I pull myself closer to you, as I walk down a path that holds your footsteps and mine --size sixes to size nines

it almost feels like praying; walking where you stepped, moving down different roads that always circle back

I am not my sister's keeper but I keep her too close to me, held on to too tight with such a loose grip

she is falling 

I can't tell if I'm falling with her

sister and sinner rhyme for a reason but I could never hate you.

please don't think I do