Crave

I crave physical touch,

I need to feel skin to skin,

I need to be felt,

I crave something I hate.

I've never liked hugs or the feeling of someone touching me,

I've never found comfort when someone rests a hand on my shoulder,

or tries to hug me because it's normal for them,

they enjoy the touch,

they are used to the feeling.

But me?

I crave it,

I need it,

but I hate it.

All I want is to be held,

to be touched in the most innocent of ways,

I need someone to hug me,

hold my hand,

let me rest my head on their shoulder,

but why would they let me?

This feeling it eats at my skin and bones,

making me feel like I am being swallowed,

like there is a hole deep in my chest,

and that hole is filling with something heavy,

that eats me alive from the inside out.

I put up walls to avoid the touch I get,

when someone hugs me I push it away,

I can't let them in,

because if I do I will break.

There was a time where someone hugged me,

and I let them in,

I felt hollow and warm,

like that hole was finally emptied from my chest and I could breathe,

that feeling lasted for days,

I remember them telling me that I was shaking so bad when they hugged me that I felt like I was vibrating,

but I never felt it,

in my head I was fine,

I was more than fine,

I was finally free.

That was the only time I have felt like that,

and the only time I have let myself feel like that and I will never forget it,

But I need it again,

It's been so long,

it physically hurts inside me.

The hole has slowly filled back up again,

they broke down my walls and now they are not as strong as once before,

eventually the hole will over-flow,

then I will slowly drown,

and it won't matter,

because no one is there to dig me back out.