decisions

i remember the crowded er

the bright lights and hard blue chairs

at midnight on a thursday

i decided to leave forever (but did not succeed, nothing but a mere mark in my neck, a rope, and a bad cough)

but when i was brought to the living room

with a man with a beard and a clipboard

and recommended to plattsburgh

i didn’t know that after 2 weeks

bright lights

cranberry juice

and blue walls would bring me back 

to a building of locked cabinets, 

troubled teenagers,

and doctors,

and yet here we are

sometimes 

i cry 

wondering 

do i want to stay? 

but i know 

that my honeybee 

will take me away from everything

listening to your heartbeat 

while watching the great british baking show 

and nodding off  once in a while

i realize

you are worth everything, 

as am i.