Do You Know

Do you know how many minutes I save for you

So we can be together?

Do you know how it feels

When you throw them out

For other things?

Do you know how it feels

To never feel like you're good enough

To constantly be comparing yourself

And when I thought you made it better

You made it so much worse.

I thought this time would be different.

You were so perfect.

So sweet.

You would never hurt me.

I didn't consider

That you'd never mean to hurt me

But you could

And,

Inevitably,

Would.

Do you know how it feels when I see you've read my text

But don't respond?

I know it's foolish to think you don't have other things to do.

But is it so naive to wish you'd spend what I spend on you...on me?

Is it so stupid to hope for this?

My heart leaps when I see you

See your messages.

I get so

Freaking

Excited.

And then I realize

So quickly

That you're messaging other people too.

You love everyone.

But I'm supposed to be yours.

When you're so perfect to everyone else

How am I different?

How am I special?

Am I just another friend?

I thought we agreed I was more than that.

I see you're online.

You don't respond.

Other people laugh on group chats about what you're saying

And one-on-one time with me is added as an afterthought.

Do you know how this feels?

Are you so oblivious to it?

How hopefully I check my messages,

Waiting,

Wanting you to be there?

Do you know how it makes me wish I could go back in time

Undo everything

Go back before you

Before him

Back to where I wasn't stupidly reliant?

I hate relying on people.

You know that.

And - unintentionally - you make it

Worse.

Do you have any idea?