i can't remember when i last said the pledge of allegiance

i know all the words, of course. who doesn't? we are practically

brainwashed into our knowing, having to stand and face the flag

(when did you learn that it was hand over heart &

hand behind your back, as if you were trying to pump the

words into your blood?) 

and it was never repeat after me. why would it be? you

simply learned it. at school assemblies when i was five

i stood on my tippy-toes to see the flag and mumbled along, 

proud to live here,

not yet ashamed of the red and white stripes fluttering

at the far end of the gym.

we stopped saying it during the pandemic, zoom calls full of

static and echo preventing us from trying. when we came back

to school i let my hands fall to my sides. i convinced my friends

to do the same, whispering i want the america

it talks about, not the america we have. i was eight and

i didn't yet understand that we need a whole new america,

not a dead man's idea.

and for about three months during the biden administration,

i crossed my fingers, stood silent while the crowd spoke,

and hoped that the words would come true. i didn't dare bring

the prayer to my lips.

now i am twelve and i stay seated.

i whisper to my friends while everyone else pledges allegiance

to a country that doesn't care about most of them.

i am disrespectful. i do not care. i will sit during the pledge

for the rest of my life. i will make my grandchildren

sit on my lap and tell me what they think is wrong with the words

robotically repeated by the rest of the country.

and i pledge to never remember the last time i said it.