the kind of teenager i'm not

i watch as all of my old friends 

grow up to be everything i never wanted,

everything i told myself i would never turn into.

As if it were wrong,

as if it were some curse.

And now i want everything they have,

everything they are,

because i was just too damn stubborn to want it before.

But i'm still trying to figure out

if it's them i really want to be,

or if it's what comes with it that i desire.

Because i know i want something i don't have,

but i'm not really sure if it's a

lifestyle,

a body,

a face,

a reputation,

a personality,

love,

or maybe it's simply just all of them.

And i'm no longer telling myself

that i don't want these things,

but now it's turned into convincing myself

that i don't need them,

so it feels less wrong to want something

i told myself i never would.