A Loss of Hope

i sit on the classroom floor.

the room is dark and cold.

i press my back against the wall.

the door is barricaded with a chair.

my teacher stands in front of it, as

if somehow she could shield us.

i close my eyes tightly.

did i tell mom i loved her this morning?

my legs shake.

the room feels suffocating.

i pray that if i have to die,

i’ll go quick.

no time to struggle or whimper.

one shot; gone.

but it was all a lie.

a heinous action.

merely a prank call.

i thought i was as good as dead.

a news article pops up on my phone.

“wildfires outbreak in california.”

i scroll through pictures of dilapidated

houses and shelters full of the now homeless.

as guilty as it makes me feel, i’m glad i wasn’t

there to experience it.

that i got out years before so much destruction.

it had been happening since i was a kid.

i never thought too much of it.

santa ana winds often blew through the

school yard, cancelling recess and gym.

the only thing i feared was coming home

and seeing a burnt down house, no matter

how far we were from the mountains and hills.

my history teacher paces around the classroom,

as he always has the entire year.

he monologues on the state of palestine, 

and the many wars some choose not to see.

i stopped reading the news a long time ago.

not because of ignorance, but because

i believe if i read the news every day i

would never sleep.

my mind would spiral all night long.

“what are we supposed to do”,

i often think to myself.

“how can you stop a flood when

no one wants to repair the dam.”

i lost hope years ago.

my internet algorithm fills

with videos of people too naive

to see the world’s damage.

too infatuated with their own

voices to notice how far

the anger has spread.

my own “worst fears”

are nothing compared to

the events inevitably coming.

my biggest fear isn’t spiders,

or heights, or even the dark,

even if those all intimidate me.

my biggest fear is that i will be 

forced to live the rest of my life

in a country so full of hatred.

that i will have to raise my children

in a world behind the wrong motives.

that’s what scares me most.

to be encaged in a society that

is too interested in being right

and not worried about the

issues in front of our very eyes.

turning a blind eye does not

get rid of the problem, it just

proves that you’re part of it.