Privation

I have never known the warm hugs,
The boy talks,
The late-night snuggles,
The braiding of hair.

I have never known the embarrassing but all-knowing looks,
I have never known the sweet-bubbly laugh,
Never had that day at the mall.

My mother decided she loved my sister more,
My step-mom decided she loved alcohol more,
My new step-mom decided she loves her real daughter more.

I have never known the sweet scent of lilacs from the embraces,
Never known the mom who did your makeup,
Or baked with you,
Never had the matching shirts,
Or sharing of shoes.

No,
My moms aren't my moms,
They have better things to love.

For one,
I'm the other kid,
The one who was too hard to take care of,
The one she sent to live 17 hours away,
The one who she hasn't seen in four years,
The one who she forgets the birthday of.

For two,
I was a punching bag,
I was someone she could yell at to make herself feel better,
I was someone who had too many stupid opinions to handle,
I was the one who could watch her kids while she went off and drank with the neighbors.

For three,
I'm supposed to be the smart, perfect, responsible,
High honors daughter,
The one who remembers everything,
The one that she has to put up with to be with my dad,
I have to be perfect, emotionless, and quiet to be well-behaved.

My dad is the only one who has always been there for me,
The only one who gives me the big, warm hugs,
The one who watches movies with me,
The one who helps me with my math homework,
The one who protects me,
The one who trusts me,
The one who makes me laugh,
The only one who really loves me.

He's the one who should understand how hard I'm trying to be perfect,
Who should understand how much I have on my plate,
But even though he loves me more than anyone else ever has,
He's still never here to see how hard I try for him.
I don't try for my step-mom, 
But for the only person who's always been there for me when I needed him the most,
Because I will always love him,
And try to make him proud,
And I will always try to be perfect for him.

And I will always wish I had a mom who loved me,
The one who just fits,
The one who loves me just as much I love her,
But I never will,
And that's my hardship,
Having to know that I will never have a mom,
Not like that.