Shadow

You know what?

You were right

this sucks

school is crap

there's no point in trying in fields where you're not welcome.

I can't back out of this mess

I can't even get some stupid kid to stop biking on the freaking train tracks

what's the point in life if nobody actually hears anything you say?

Where's the fun in arguing

protesting for rights that I used to have

having to repeat myself

over

and over

and over

what's the point?

Life's not fun anymore

honestly, was it ever fun?

Does anyone really know me

or do they only know the version of me that actually registers in their minds?

Some of the people I know are years behind

they know 6th grade me

or what I let them know of me in 6th grade

what I said to satisfy them.

Even with my closest friends

I don't feel protected

I feel exposed

all

the

time

I'm always miserable because I can't get enough of one thing

and am drowning in another

I hate the people my friends bring into the friend group

gossipy

dramatic

seeking attention

spreading rumors about one another

hating you one second

loving you the next

some of them don't even talk to me

they act like I don't exist

I prefer glares over ignorance

I don't want to be seen as what I fear I am

a shadow of someone

something

a blur

a leaf on the ground

waiting to be stepped on

a slight breeze

unnoticeable and uninteresting

or a pain

in the way

is this really me

or am I just acting all the time

code switching

shape shifting

performing for the people around me?

I should know myself by now

I should know ways to cope with stress like this

I should know who I am and what I want to do in my life

why don't I know

any

of this?

Why am I still

spiraling down

further and further away from any light

deep into the depths of darkness

the pressure of gravity pushing me even deeper

when does the darkness give way

to solid ground?

When do I become

a human being

not just a shadow?