Spilt

It’s that feeling

Of awkwardness

Of excitement

Of twenty million things on the tip of your tongue

Of so many words that will never be said.

She stands here

Almost like she used to

Except that that was ten years ago.

Brown hair

Chopped off

At the chin,

Red glasses

To replace the purple ones

She broke

But never fixed

When I knew her,

Same freckles

Same eyes

Seven inches taller

Still wearing jeans

And a T-shirt

Under a puffy coat.

We don’t need to talk

Until I pour

The lemonade

Into our Ball jars

(like always

Even though it’s January).

My seat

Across from hers

We stare

As though we will have

To paint each other later

From memory.

And then we talk

Somehow

For three lemonade glasses

Each

Ten years of stories

Filling the cold air

Until she takes off her coat

And we laugh.

But it is fast

The Ball jar is next to the edge

And her hand hits it

As we giggle

Like we’re seven.

Crashing to the floor

Glass in shapes

That would be pretty

Lemonade in an ink blot

Expanding over

The whole kitchen.

She always knew how much

I hated messes

But she used to act different;

Clean up fast

Hug me

Watch a movie.

My fingers

Clench to fists

I bite my lip

And then

Instead

She tiptoes around the glass

Not to the broom

But to the door.

She never used to act

Abashed like this

Not with me

It’s not fair

That it’s been ten years

And all we’ll get

Is three hours.

I wish I could make her understand

That she is forgiven for this spill

And for ten years of silence

And what made her leave,

But this is a moment

When words won’t come out of my lips

And my brain

Doesn’t know what to say

Anyway.

She slides back on her puffy jacket

Reaches for the zipper

And briefly turns her head

At the door.

Sorry.

Tear streaks on her face

Make me wonder

How long she’ll wait to come back

This time

It was just a broken glass

I want to say

Because I want her to come back

But she’s gone

Before I can tell her not to go.

I sit back down

And watch the yellow-whiteness spread

All over the floor.