Characters: Burkit, prisoner
Durwin, prisoner
Algernon, prison supervisor
Setting: A cell in a castle’s dungeon.
At Rise: Burkit and Durwin center stage sitting on a dungeon bench, imprisoned. Downstage right is the ‘hallway’ which Algernon walks down.
ALGERNON
(Scrutinizing dungeon) Look at this place, it's filthy! A rat would rather stay with a cat than live here.
(Walks around and making faces at the dirt)
Dark, dingy, completely horrible, and overly crowded. I’m not sure how many people are here any more. Random strangers commit minor infractions towards the king and are tossed here. Everyone is packed in like sardines! ...Good thing this job has excellent pay, and its not like a care for these prison dwellers. But walking through the halls proves to be...(fanning nose) unpleasent
Burkit
(raising head to speak to ALGERNON)
Too bad you can’t create more space.
ALGERNON
(Algernon stays facing forwards towards the audience as he talks)
( with pride)
I had a whole plan to revise King Sawers dungeon.
(matter factly)
There was gonna be a spa.
BURKIT
Ah yes, a spa would be great. And a pool…
ALGERNON
A pool, brilliant! And don’t get me started on the indoor rec room.
Burkit
So clever sir! With pingpong-
ALGERNON
And badminton… All you can eat buffet
BURKIT
And party games!
ALGERNON
(getting excited) Like spear the guy in the head
BUR
Well- I never heard of that
ALGERNON
Oh that's a fun one! Especially with real people.
BURKIT
(stares uneasily at ALGERNON) ...Uh-haa.
ALGERNON
Ah yes it does. (frowns) But it does require a lot of towels… Oh but never mind- the king is going in a much different direction. He and I relized how silly it was to make you prisoners feel...comfortable. Your are infact not important. So, we are cutting funds from this prehistoric cave and using it for bigger better things.
BUR
You wouldn't dare.
ALG
Silence. The king has been talking about the plan all the time. Its getting annoying. He just goes on and on and on about nothing- do you know what thats like?!
Bur
I could take a guess.
ALG
well, fair thee well dungeon walls, you really do smell of cabbage . (starts to exit)
BUR
Ah, your Dungeon-ness, sir? Have you forgotten something on this fine evening?
ALG
(Now talks to Burkit)
(smells shirt) No that can’t be it…
BUR
Food kind sir! We prisoners haven’t eaten all day! Or yesterday, unless ‘dying cabbage’ was on the menu. When well you feed us?
ALG
Oh what is this headache I am receiving?. Must prisoners be fed EVERY day now? go outside, paint, dance, entertain yourselves!
BUR
I’d love to your annoying-ness- but you have since taken that all away from us. We can barely leave our cells.
ALG
And thats my fault?
BUR
Yes, you and the king are creating intolerable acts against us. We’ve had nothing but cabbage and week old bread to eat.
ALG
Ahh, thee might think the king is a genius, and I’d have to agree. He is cutting funds drastically from the dungeon, to use for other things, like that spa I recommended. I’m surprised he even bothers with food anymore, you prison dwellers aren't worth a telephone pole
BUR
What's a telephone pole…? And anyway the well being of the King’s prison dwellers should be prioritized. I am not even here on fair charges and you don’t have the decency to-
ALG
(wagging finger) And thou is a burglar in our kitchen. It was only right to be sentenced to three years here-
BUR
(interjects) -I stole bread
ALG
Any burglary is wrong!
BUR
-One piece of bread
ALG
-how selfish of you to take something that isn't yours
BUR
-It was on the ground
ALG
-to be used for your own enjoyment!
BUR
(holding up size of bread)
(pauses)
-Smallest piece
ALG
(raising finger) How dare you steal carbs from the king!
BUR
I should steal more, I’d be helping him- It is clear he needs to drop a few bounds!
ALG
(dramatic gasp) King Sawyer is a wonderful rotund king who is just and fair!
BUR
King Sawyer throws innocent people in this dungeon for his own enjoyment!
ALG
He saves the town from people like you- you burglar!
BUR
The entire town is IN the dungeon. there is no one else left in this town because we are all stuck down here!
ALG
And the king likes it that way
BUR
The king is a crooked nose knave! And his insipid acts should not be tolerated, no one in this dungeon deserves this
ALG
All of them have committed heinous acts
BUR
(pointing to himself ) Bread.
ALG
That is his final word. There is no escaping it. As for you- we can revisit your case in a few years time. Until then thief you will always be the butt of a good joke!
BUR
That makes no sense
ALG
Eh-hem. What does one do when a good song comes on? …(BURKIT shrugs) They burkiiit! (dances)
(BURKIT is unconvinced)
...Aw come on, that was a good one (Proceeds to exit) Hast thou no sense of humor?
BUR
(calling after him) No I just wait for a good joke.
(to DURWIN) Durwin what are we going to do?
(DURWIN is jolted awake and looks sleepy)
BUR
I stole bread. I didn’t kill anyone. (pointing somewhere out to audience) Our cell neighbors laughed to loudly and got four years in prison. (points again) That gardener down the hall? accidentally cut a flower- eight years later he’s still here. He loves gardening so much he plants random things in his cell. he planted that dying cabbage.
(Both DURWIN and BURKIT stare at ‘gardner’ out in the audience.) I think it's growing.
DUR
Is that an oak tree?
BUR
Spruce I think. But Durwin, the kings acts are a monstrosity. I can no longer tolerate them.
DUR
(begins to stretch) Yup
BUR
We can no longer bring joy to the other prisoners,
DUR
Sure
BUR
because- well, I find no joy in this situation myself.
DUR
You said it
BUR
No one deserves this treatment
DUR
Absolutely
BUR
(copying DURWINS stretches) Must thou be the yes man? Give me some ideas, how do we rid ourselves of boredom, thick headed kings and rotting cabbage scum?
DUR
(Yawns) steal Algernon's keys and escape through the back gate
BUR
Wrong! We can’t just steal his keys because-- (thinking) Oh wait actually that's a brilliant idea, I’m so smart.
DUR
Thou art a genius, glad you thought of it
BUR
Thank you. OK here's the plan. (wraps arm around DURWIN) First we lure him in
DUR
-Do some pickpocketing. Get the keys
BUR
Unlock our cell, (getting excited)
DUR
run down the hallway
BUR
up the stairs through the kitchen
DUR
Unlock the back door, the other back door and the gate
BUR
and escape into the night!
DUR
You forgot the part where we free the others
BUR
Ah yes then we run around like robin hood (pretending to run) and release alllll the other helpless villagers. No Durwin, we can’t help everyone escape. Then we’d get caught and lose bathroom privileges!
DUR
… I thought we already lost bathroom privileges
(BURKIT shakes his head, very confused)
OH- well then, (looks being him at the bench) My apologies.
BUR
DID YOU JUST..? Never mind. (sees Algernon approaching) Quick! Here he comes. Remember- you get the keys I distract him. (DURWIN nods)
DUR
(to himself) I could have sworn we lost bathroom privileges…
BUR
Oh your Dungeon-ness? Hello! Over here.
(ALGERNON searches for the voice, finally finds them and is startled)
(BURKIT gives a finger wave) --Hi.
ALG
OH- its you again. Beefit, how are you
BUR
Its Burkit actually.
ALG
Oh right. Bopit what do you want?
BUR
Burkit, your aweful-ness. And I had a question… (ALGERNON waits expectantly) uh- have you ever even - uhm seen king Sawyer?
(As the two argue ALGERNON moves closer to the cell. DURWIN makes repeated motions to grab the keys)
ALG
Of course i’ve seen Sawyer
BUR
You sure you saw Sawyer
ALG
Yes I’ve seen Sawyer!
BUR
What Say Sawyer when he sees you
ALG
You seem to think I haven’t seen sayer
BUR
I know that you’ve never Seen Sayer. You liar. You seem to say you saw saywer but you haven't.
ALG
I say I haven't seen Sawyer!
BUR
Ah, so you haven’t seen Sawyer, probably because it seems Sayer is as I say nonexistent!
ALG
Stop with the interrogations! I’m going to need a Sawyer!
BUR
… you mean a Lawyer?
ALG
It is all the same to you! (Moves closer to cell)
BUR
Might Sawyer have sandy blond curls swinging solely from the sides of his silly stringent face?
ALG
Since I’ve seen Sawyer I can safely say his swinging curles have been seen by everyone but the prison dwellers! (Getting angry) Why doth it matter to thou, canst thou thee own entertainment provide that canst not thou mine self?!
BUR
...What
(ALGERNON sees DURWIN make a grab for the keys)
ALG
AHA! Theivery! How dare you try to trick me like so! You rotten scum! By god you lost- you lost (looking for proper punishment) You lost all underwear privileges!
BUR
You can’t do that
DUR
… I thought we already lost underwear privileges
(ALGERNON and BURKIT step away from DURWIN)
BUR
No. No we didn’t
DUR
(stands there awkwardly) OH- um, my Apologies.
ALG
How insulting! Taking matters into your own hands now are we? Let me tell you what happens to people who think they can escape MY dungeon. They Dur-win. (chuckles)
BUR
How come you can remember his name but you can’t remember mine?
ALG
Silence armpit!
(DURWIN makes another grab for the keys)
We are finished here. Thou art idiots to believe you can escape me. (ALGERNON exits)
BUR
I really hate that man
DUR
Your being generous in language. I would say a donkey's behind is a better name. And the king! he’s worse than Voldemort!
BUR
Who’s that?
DUR
I’m not sure. It just felt right.
BUR
(very sad) Well you can tell me all about this voltmeter guy, because we’re going to be in here a long while… You steal one loaf of bread from the floor and you never see the sun again.
DUR
Yes well there’s plenty to tell about, and I can act out the movies too
BUR
Whats a movie?
DUR
I’m- I’m not sure. I think it's like play...
BUR
You think it will catch on?
BUR and DUR (looking at each other)
Nah.
DUR
Well I deserve my punishment. My crime was so much worse then not heading to the five second rule.
BUR
(leaning back) What did you do- ever heard of spear the guy in the head? You- you didn’t win or anything right?
DUR
No, what kind of horrible game is that?
BUR
It requires a lot of towels
DUR
No, my crime was that, (takes deep breath) I- I stole a hair pin. (looks away in shame)
BUR
You what?
DUR
A golden hair pin. It fell from the queen's head and it was so beautiful and real silver that I stole it.
BUR
(perplexed) Huh. I thought you killed somebody with a sword or something.
DUR
It is the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen.
BUR
Or stole cake from a bakery
DUR
I didn’t know it was the queens favorite hair pin
BUR
Maybe robbed a grave or something
DUR
Of course I still carry it with me
BUR
Who am I kidding your scared of your own shadow
DUR
Right in my back pocket, always
BUR
Not very smart either…
(DURWIN holds up a silver hair pin and admire it)
BUR
DURWIN! You had a pin the whole time?
DUR
(blinking) Yes, I know I should have given it back but-
BUR
Durwin I’m a thief! Picking locks is my specialty!
DUR
By the way you pick your nose I bet you are a good lock picker…
BUR
(gives DURWIN a look) Give it here.
(DURWIN hands him the pin, BURKIT twists it until the cell door is open)
DUR
I can’t believe it was that simple. We’re free.
BUR
I can’t believe you had that pin the whole time.
(DURWIN begins to walk to walk off stage right)
Where are you going? The exit is that way. (Points left)
DUR
To free the others. (BURKIT starts to protest) Come on Burkit, not everyone has a hair pin- but we all have the same dream. (To the audience) Some are just better equipped than others. We must help those who don’t have hair pins, it doesn’t mean they are any less important than we are, they’re just not as good at stealing as I am.
BUR
(Speechless) Durwin that was- you were- I didn’t know you had that in you. Your heart is more beautiful than I ever thought.
DUR
(Bashful) I read motivational pieces.
BUR
(Joining DURWIN) let's go save these prison dwellers
ALG
(Off stage) HEY! Armpit! What are you doing out of your cell!?
DUR
(Turing quickly to BURKIT) Burkit Let’s play a game!
BUR
Now!?
DUR
It will require lots of towels... (Raising eyebrows)
BUR
Ah Durwin- thou art a genius!
Durwin, prisoner
Algernon, prison supervisor
Setting: A cell in a castle’s dungeon.
At Rise: Burkit and Durwin center stage sitting on a dungeon bench, imprisoned. Downstage right is the ‘hallway’ which Algernon walks down.
ALGERNON
(Scrutinizing dungeon) Look at this place, it's filthy! A rat would rather stay with a cat than live here.
(Walks around and making faces at the dirt)
Dark, dingy, completely horrible, and overly crowded. I’m not sure how many people are here any more. Random strangers commit minor infractions towards the king and are tossed here. Everyone is packed in like sardines! ...Good thing this job has excellent pay, and its not like a care for these prison dwellers. But walking through the halls proves to be...(fanning nose) unpleasent
Burkit
(raising head to speak to ALGERNON)
Too bad you can’t create more space.
ALGERNON
(Algernon stays facing forwards towards the audience as he talks)
( with pride)
I had a whole plan to revise King Sawers dungeon.
(matter factly)
There was gonna be a spa.
BURKIT
Ah yes, a spa would be great. And a pool…
ALGERNON
A pool, brilliant! And don’t get me started on the indoor rec room.
Burkit
So clever sir! With pingpong-
ALGERNON
And badminton… All you can eat buffet
BURKIT
And party games!
ALGERNON
(getting excited) Like spear the guy in the head
BUR
Well- I never heard of that
ALGERNON
Oh that's a fun one! Especially with real people.
BURKIT
(stares uneasily at ALGERNON) ...Uh-haa.
ALGERNON
Ah yes it does. (frowns) But it does require a lot of towels… Oh but never mind- the king is going in a much different direction. He and I relized how silly it was to make you prisoners feel...comfortable. Your are infact not important. So, we are cutting funds from this prehistoric cave and using it for bigger better things.
BUR
You wouldn't dare.
ALG
Silence. The king has been talking about the plan all the time. Its getting annoying. He just goes on and on and on about nothing- do you know what thats like?!
Bur
I could take a guess.
ALG
well, fair thee well dungeon walls, you really do smell of cabbage . (starts to exit)
BUR
Ah, your Dungeon-ness, sir? Have you forgotten something on this fine evening?
ALG
(Now talks to Burkit)
(smells shirt) No that can’t be it…
BUR
Food kind sir! We prisoners haven’t eaten all day! Or yesterday, unless ‘dying cabbage’ was on the menu. When well you feed us?
ALG
Oh what is this headache I am receiving?. Must prisoners be fed EVERY day now? go outside, paint, dance, entertain yourselves!
BUR
I’d love to your annoying-ness- but you have since taken that all away from us. We can barely leave our cells.
ALG
And thats my fault?
BUR
Yes, you and the king are creating intolerable acts against us. We’ve had nothing but cabbage and week old bread to eat.
ALG
Ahh, thee might think the king is a genius, and I’d have to agree. He is cutting funds drastically from the dungeon, to use for other things, like that spa I recommended. I’m surprised he even bothers with food anymore, you prison dwellers aren't worth a telephone pole
BUR
What's a telephone pole…? And anyway the well being of the King’s prison dwellers should be prioritized. I am not even here on fair charges and you don’t have the decency to-
ALG
(wagging finger) And thou is a burglar in our kitchen. It was only right to be sentenced to three years here-
BUR
(interjects) -I stole bread
ALG
Any burglary is wrong!
BUR
-One piece of bread
ALG
-how selfish of you to take something that isn't yours
BUR
-It was on the ground
ALG
-to be used for your own enjoyment!
BUR
(holding up size of bread)
(pauses)
-Smallest piece
ALG
(raising finger) How dare you steal carbs from the king!
BUR
I should steal more, I’d be helping him- It is clear he needs to drop a few bounds!
ALG
(dramatic gasp) King Sawyer is a wonderful rotund king who is just and fair!
BUR
King Sawyer throws innocent people in this dungeon for his own enjoyment!
ALG
He saves the town from people like you- you burglar!
BUR
The entire town is IN the dungeon. there is no one else left in this town because we are all stuck down here!
ALG
And the king likes it that way
BUR
The king is a crooked nose knave! And his insipid acts should not be tolerated, no one in this dungeon deserves this
ALG
All of them have committed heinous acts
BUR
(pointing to himself ) Bread.
ALG
That is his final word. There is no escaping it. As for you- we can revisit your case in a few years time. Until then thief you will always be the butt of a good joke!
BUR
That makes no sense
ALG
Eh-hem. What does one do when a good song comes on? …(BURKIT shrugs) They burkiiit! (dances)
(BURKIT is unconvinced)
...Aw come on, that was a good one (Proceeds to exit) Hast thou no sense of humor?
BUR
(calling after him) No I just wait for a good joke.
(to DURWIN) Durwin what are we going to do?
(DURWIN is jolted awake and looks sleepy)
BUR
I stole bread. I didn’t kill anyone. (pointing somewhere out to audience) Our cell neighbors laughed to loudly and got four years in prison. (points again) That gardener down the hall? accidentally cut a flower- eight years later he’s still here. He loves gardening so much he plants random things in his cell. he planted that dying cabbage.
(Both DURWIN and BURKIT stare at ‘gardner’ out in the audience.) I think it's growing.
DUR
Is that an oak tree?
BUR
Spruce I think. But Durwin, the kings acts are a monstrosity. I can no longer tolerate them.
DUR
(begins to stretch) Yup
BUR
We can no longer bring joy to the other prisoners,
DUR
Sure
BUR
because- well, I find no joy in this situation myself.
DUR
You said it
BUR
No one deserves this treatment
DUR
Absolutely
BUR
(copying DURWINS stretches) Must thou be the yes man? Give me some ideas, how do we rid ourselves of boredom, thick headed kings and rotting cabbage scum?
DUR
(Yawns) steal Algernon's keys and escape through the back gate
BUR
Wrong! We can’t just steal his keys because-- (thinking) Oh wait actually that's a brilliant idea, I’m so smart.
DUR
Thou art a genius, glad you thought of it
BUR
Thank you. OK here's the plan. (wraps arm around DURWIN) First we lure him in
DUR
-Do some pickpocketing. Get the keys
BUR
Unlock our cell, (getting excited)
DUR
run down the hallway
BUR
up the stairs through the kitchen
DUR
Unlock the back door, the other back door and the gate
BUR
and escape into the night!
DUR
You forgot the part where we free the others
BUR
Ah yes then we run around like robin hood (pretending to run) and release alllll the other helpless villagers. No Durwin, we can’t help everyone escape. Then we’d get caught and lose bathroom privileges!
DUR
… I thought we already lost bathroom privileges
(BURKIT shakes his head, very confused)
OH- well then, (looks being him at the bench) My apologies.
BUR
DID YOU JUST..? Never mind. (sees Algernon approaching) Quick! Here he comes. Remember- you get the keys I distract him. (DURWIN nods)
DUR
(to himself) I could have sworn we lost bathroom privileges…
BUR
Oh your Dungeon-ness? Hello! Over here.
(ALGERNON searches for the voice, finally finds them and is startled)
(BURKIT gives a finger wave) --Hi.
ALG
OH- its you again. Beefit, how are you
BUR
Its Burkit actually.
ALG
Oh right. Bopit what do you want?
BUR
Burkit, your aweful-ness. And I had a question… (ALGERNON waits expectantly) uh- have you ever even - uhm seen king Sawyer?
(As the two argue ALGERNON moves closer to the cell. DURWIN makes repeated motions to grab the keys)
ALG
Of course i’ve seen Sawyer
BUR
You sure you saw Sawyer
ALG
Yes I’ve seen Sawyer!
BUR
What Say Sawyer when he sees you
ALG
You seem to think I haven’t seen sayer
BUR
I know that you’ve never Seen Sayer. You liar. You seem to say you saw saywer but you haven't.
ALG
I say I haven't seen Sawyer!
BUR
Ah, so you haven’t seen Sawyer, probably because it seems Sayer is as I say nonexistent!
ALG
Stop with the interrogations! I’m going to need a Sawyer!
BUR
… you mean a Lawyer?
ALG
It is all the same to you! (Moves closer to cell)
BUR
Might Sawyer have sandy blond curls swinging solely from the sides of his silly stringent face?
ALG
Since I’ve seen Sawyer I can safely say his swinging curles have been seen by everyone but the prison dwellers! (Getting angry) Why doth it matter to thou, canst thou thee own entertainment provide that canst not thou mine self?!
BUR
...What
(ALGERNON sees DURWIN make a grab for the keys)
ALG
AHA! Theivery! How dare you try to trick me like so! You rotten scum! By god you lost- you lost (looking for proper punishment) You lost all underwear privileges!
BUR
You can’t do that
DUR
… I thought we already lost underwear privileges
(ALGERNON and BURKIT step away from DURWIN)
BUR
No. No we didn’t
DUR
(stands there awkwardly) OH- um, my Apologies.
ALG
How insulting! Taking matters into your own hands now are we? Let me tell you what happens to people who think they can escape MY dungeon. They Dur-win. (chuckles)
BUR
How come you can remember his name but you can’t remember mine?
ALG
Silence armpit!
(DURWIN makes another grab for the keys)
We are finished here. Thou art idiots to believe you can escape me. (ALGERNON exits)
BUR
I really hate that man
DUR
Your being generous in language. I would say a donkey's behind is a better name. And the king! he’s worse than Voldemort!
BUR
Who’s that?
DUR
I’m not sure. It just felt right.
BUR
(very sad) Well you can tell me all about this voltmeter guy, because we’re going to be in here a long while… You steal one loaf of bread from the floor and you never see the sun again.
DUR
Yes well there’s plenty to tell about, and I can act out the movies too
BUR
Whats a movie?
DUR
I’m- I’m not sure. I think it's like play...
BUR
You think it will catch on?
BUR and DUR (looking at each other)
Nah.
DUR
Well I deserve my punishment. My crime was so much worse then not heading to the five second rule.
BUR
(leaning back) What did you do- ever heard of spear the guy in the head? You- you didn’t win or anything right?
DUR
No, what kind of horrible game is that?
BUR
It requires a lot of towels
DUR
No, my crime was that, (takes deep breath) I- I stole a hair pin. (looks away in shame)
BUR
You what?
DUR
A golden hair pin. It fell from the queen's head and it was so beautiful and real silver that I stole it.
BUR
(perplexed) Huh. I thought you killed somebody with a sword or something.
DUR
It is the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen.
BUR
Or stole cake from a bakery
DUR
I didn’t know it was the queens favorite hair pin
BUR
Maybe robbed a grave or something
DUR
Of course I still carry it with me
BUR
Who am I kidding your scared of your own shadow
DUR
Right in my back pocket, always
BUR
Not very smart either…
(DURWIN holds up a silver hair pin and admire it)
BUR
DURWIN! You had a pin the whole time?
DUR
(blinking) Yes, I know I should have given it back but-
BUR
Durwin I’m a thief! Picking locks is my specialty!
DUR
By the way you pick your nose I bet you are a good lock picker…
BUR
(gives DURWIN a look) Give it here.
(DURWIN hands him the pin, BURKIT twists it until the cell door is open)
DUR
I can’t believe it was that simple. We’re free.
BUR
I can’t believe you had that pin the whole time.
(DURWIN begins to walk to walk off stage right)
Where are you going? The exit is that way. (Points left)
DUR
To free the others. (BURKIT starts to protest) Come on Burkit, not everyone has a hair pin- but we all have the same dream. (To the audience) Some are just better equipped than others. We must help those who don’t have hair pins, it doesn’t mean they are any less important than we are, they’re just not as good at stealing as I am.
BUR
(Speechless) Durwin that was- you were- I didn’t know you had that in you. Your heart is more beautiful than I ever thought.
DUR
(Bashful) I read motivational pieces.
BUR
(Joining DURWIN) let's go save these prison dwellers
ALG
(Off stage) HEY! Armpit! What are you doing out of your cell!?
DUR
(Turing quickly to BURKIT) Burkit Let’s play a game!
BUR
Now!?
DUR
It will require lots of towels... (Raising eyebrows)
BUR
Ah Durwin- thou art a genius!
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