The War Inside My Heart And Mind

"try".

whenever i ask for help,
what to do, 
you say 'try'.

in vain.

such vanity provokes me.

how shall i, a child,
unfit to vote,
not allowed to have a say in anything
be expected to conquer my mental battle?

how can you,
the one who claims to have done this all before,
be unable to provide anything but false hope?

if i cannot trust my mind
to breathe, to think, to live,
the one thing i had left
the one tool that had grazed the poison,
what will become of me?

what would become of anyone?

are these forbidden drugs and thoughts rebirth?
are those who overdose, are 'clinically insane'
are they hidden away because they have learned the truth?

my existence is wrong.
forgive me for being existential, but my existence is wrong.
how?
why? 

science?
god?

what is anything?
what are we?

how is life
so cruel,
so sensual,
so beautiful...
taken for granted everyday?

there is no one to talk to
because i know you don't have the answer
i know nobody has the answer.

i am unfit for this life
and i am meant to do so much more than i am capable of.

i am not looking for a messiah,
but my sad soul longs for healing.