Who I Actually Am

I feel so hopeless, 

Every second, every minute. 

It feels like my heart beat is out of rhythm, 

And the measure shouldn't be completed. 

This is the only way I know how

To say all that's inside,

Is through songs and poetry,

That I hope people will read. 

Then maybe they'd know the real me, 

Because it feels like nowadays I'm pretending. 

I tried to trick my mind once,

And after that, I tried many more times.  

But none of it worked,

And I couldn't trick myself to be happy. 

Because I am silently screaming

And no one cares enough to hear me. 

It all feels so momentary, 

Like finishing one thing won't solve it all. 

It's only a couple minutes that I feel proud, 

Of a new melody, or a new verse in poetry.

It then just as quickly gets covered by clouds.  

Shouldn't I be ok,

After all this time of crying?

Shouldn't I be back to where I was, 

Not still on my bedroom floor, lying?

The white walls around me were closing in, 

But they actually weren't moving at all. 

Just like I lie there motionless, numb, 

Because it's myself I cannot trust. 

I don't trust myself to be alone,

Even though I'm an introvert. 

I know things will get worse, 

And I don't know how I can get any worse. 

Because I hate myself

When I'm not with you. 

And I wish I could rip myself to shreds, 

Even though I know this time it's true. 

There's no inspiration anymore, 

So I have to tell what's truly inside. 

But even all of those feelings aren't enough, 

For all of them. 

I know this won't win an award, 

And I know it will get a zero score. 

But maybe it'll make me understand, 

Who to be and who I am.