The Yellowstone Times

This morning, in the Redwood Forest, there was a fire. But this was no ordinary fire. We could tell by the matchbox and gasoline cans that this was an attempted terrorist attack. Luckily for these endangered trees, there were several tourists camping out nearby, and when they smelled the smoke, they immediately called 911. And it’s a good thing they did, because within 10 minutes, the fire department had the fires extinguished. 

It was the next day when nature expert John Lind inspected the trees for any lasting damage. All of the trees had some damage, but nothing that would last more than a couple of months. What was much more interesting, Lind said, was the handle coming out of one of the trees. Yes, you read that right, a handle coming out of the tree. Lind was curious, so he grabbed the handle and gave it a sharp tug. To his surprise, he fell backward as the door, never before seen, flew open. Lind was fazed for a bit, and with good reason. Inside of the tree, there was a bookshelf full of books, a sink, and winding stairs leading up the tree. 

Lind took all of this in, and then silently crept up the stairs. He described three floors other than the ground level that was first discovered. On the second floor, there was a chair carved completely out of wood, and a smaller bookshelf, also filled with books. On the third floor, there were several wooden crates that smelled rather like cheddar cheese. And on the final floor, there was a bed carved completely out of wood. And on the bed was a humanoid creature, but there were a few strange things about him. The first thing was that he was completely covered in hair. The second thing was that his face looked more like an ape’s than a human’s. And the third was that he had abnormally large feet.

 Lind froze, speechless. He tried to back out of the room before the legendary Sasquatch woke up and saw him, but on his way to the stairs, he knocked over a table, making a loud bang. Bigfoot’s eyes jerked open, and he sat up abruptly and looked at Lind, eyes wide open. Before Lind could sprint out of the tree at top speed, Bigfoot made a signal with his hands, his face and eyes softening. Wait a minute… Lind thought. Bigfoot made the same signal as before, and finally, he understood it. Bigfoot knew sign language! 

Thank god I took a sign language class in college, Lind thought as he responded to Bigfoot’s question. My name is Johnathan Lind, But you can call me John. Lind replied in sign language. 

Ok, thank you. Now, how on earth did you get into my home? Lind then told the rest of the story to him, even including the part when the whole forest almost got burned down. I knew I smelled something, Bigfoot signed, with a frustrated look on his face. Then he made an expression of extreme worry and ran down the stairs, out the door, and out of sight before Lind could even blink. 

Super-speed, Lind thought. Nice. Lind went back to the ground level and out the door and then went immediately to The Yellowstone Times for this interview. Before this article ends, we want you to remember, that if you are ever in the Redwood Forest, friends, look out for Sasquatch!