I'm standing in front of you. And you ask me, after two years of silence,
"Are you okay?"
"Um yeah. Why?" I strangely want to hear his answer.
"This is going to sound weird. But here goes..."
I study your face. You look like a pug, with your face all scrunched-up in a hesitant manner. It seems he fears asking me and what my answer will be. And then the words come out like vomit.
"Listen. Remember how we used to talk a lot? You and I would text each other "Hey" and stuff back and forth. We would tell each other jokes and such? I would always send you those hilarious animojis and stickers and stuff. Lately I've been wondering about that. I don't know why. How come we don't talk like that anymore?"
Oh god. It's all coming back to me now. Those memories I stuffed away a long time ago. But he doesn't know that.
"I don't know when we stopped. Do you?"
Yes... "Uh, no not really."
"Oh, yea. It feels like such a long time ago. That's probably why we don't remember."
True. It was. I know exactly when too...
"Yeah. Listen, I miss that. Why did we--------"
Here goes nothing... "Jack. Listen. I'm fine okay. That's not a lie. But here's the thing. Did you know I used to have a crush on you?"
"Let me finish. Okay. So awhile ago, I was stupid. I fell for guys, who to be honest, wouldn't even give a damn about me. And one of those guys was you. Here's where your memory got it wrong. I always started texts. Not you. And honestly, you only really talked to me for a few minutes. Trust me, I remember. And I was also the one who mostly initiated conversations. If I could muster up the confidence. Anyway, I liked you. A lot. It was so annoying. I overanalyzed everything. From you saying you "were going to get me a carnation" to you saying "I was a good dancer". And for awhile, I actually thought you might have had feelings for me. Especially after we went to see Black Panther. Do you remember that? You probably don't even remember that. But whatever; it doesn't matter. I remember the day when freshman me finally realized I was wrong as always. It was Wednesday, and we had rehearsal that day for Anything Goes. I finally realized that I was right from the beginning. You liked Evie. And that day, I decided that I would take my feelings and memories of you along with all of my crazy thoughts and i would stuff them all the way down. They would be hidden and I would be done with you. I let myself let go of the silly crush I had on you. I accepted the hurt and the fact that I was never what you wanted. She was better than me. In every way. I'm gonna level with you Jack. It hurt me so much. So very much."
"I never meant to hurt you---"
"Oh no I know. I accepted that hurt a long time ago. Its old. You know, I always found you to be the type of guy I wanted. If I'm being honest with you, freshman me found you really attractive. Your goofy smile, and the way you messed around in chorus, and the smoulder and your soccer skills, and just everything about you was attractive to me. But I let go of those feelings. That stupid hopeless girl is gone. She left awhile back. That crush she had on you is gone too. I can tell you that."
The expression on his face is one that I've never seen before. It almost looks like regret. But suprise too. Almost awe-struck. Those gorgeous blue eyes which I got lost in are open wide. Like he can't believe any part of what I just said to him. "So there's your answer. I guess we just lost contact. Well anyways, I've got to go. Bye." And as I turn on my heel and walk away, I start thinking about what was said. But there's still one thing I never said. It's been two years of silence. And the hurt still comes each time I think of it. Each time I have to look into those eyes. One small problem. Its been two years of silence. And I still like him...