Feb 08

A Family That I Chose

I stood and stared at the back of my poster,
every bit of white space
plastered in messily but lovingly
written notes
in a rainbow of colors,
bright and prominent.

They told us to write notes to each other
on the back of our promotional show poster.
I never knew what to write for people,
so I wrote of memories
and how I see them in my life,
and how thankful I am for them
and the love I have in my heart for them.

More often than not,
I complimented others
on traits I saw myself lacking.
I adored everyone's positivity,
their humor,
their honesty
and just how unapologetically themselves they were.

I spent so long of my life,
bending over backwards
just to please others,
manipulating my body and mind
as if it was clay in my hands.
I could never make people laugh,
and I was a black hole of energy.

"You're so free-spirited"
"You're so funny and without your humor
I think I'd die"
"You're so positive and encouraging"
"You inspire me"

I blinked and stared at these over and over again,
because that was what these people
saw in me.
Not the tired,
negative child I thought I was,
but a lively and energetic friend,
someone who was worth something.

And my heart felt incredibly warm that night,
even as I walked home in the rain.