amaryllis

I always forget now
that they can't see the smile
whenever they wave
and my lips turn up in response

I've never been one
to communicate with my voice
joy is hard to put into words
without sounding too cheesy

they well up
Liquid diappointment
all muddled together
makes shame and anger
at the world, at myself
at life
becomes xyresic blades
slicing up the girl inside
puncturing holes in my fabricated 

I've never known anyone
who is fearless
The way I figure
if you're never afraid
of anything
it means you've got
nothing
or you think you've got
nothing
which means you don't care about 
anything

I came to my chromebook
for once, before midnight
and I thought I might finally
be able to write
without the lights being off
straining by eyes
to eek out the last lines
satisfied when the pixels
arrange themselves

But you know what?
At least I failed epicly
so spectacularly
that the best he could say is
"At least you played the notes right"

they were not in tune
nor to any rhythm
Does this make me a failure?
Perhaps