Calico Frost

Sometimes you just can't.

The hardest part is accepting it,

At least for me.

Accepting that you won't be able to

Carry every load

Be every version of yourself

Always be the best

Meet every expectation.

I don't want to lead

I do it naturally

Can I stop now

Is it enough

Is it enough for you

For them

To not always be

On top

All the time

Everyone

Looking to me

For examples

Why do you love this?

What makes you keep doing it?

I am always asked these questions.

How do I tell them

How do I say

That sometimes it's the only thing that matters to me?

Everybody's excited.

It's summer, after all.

I lie in my room, terrified of the pool parties,

The farmers markets,

The ice cream,

The fun,

The outside,

The friends,

The library.

Look at me.

Again.

Sitting in a wreckage

I made with my own two hands.

Hours—

gone.

Dreams—

I screwed up.

Again.

Same damn wound, reopened—

blood and shame mixing,

staining every step I take.

I'm tired of putting on a show 

I will learn this time.

I am stuck, really,