I sob for
something I think I
hate, but cry "no no no"
when asked if I
want to quit.
Because I just can't.
There is no
possible way
that I could quit.
I mean quit?
That's a big word.
Big idea.
And just when I
think that it's too
much for my little
brain to comprehend,
the idea doesn't
seem so bad
after all.
But the thought
of it still makes
me burst into tears.
Parting with something
that brought life to
my smile for so long,
but now it's just faded.
And sometimes,
I hate it.
I hate what its turned
into, the built up anger
that I think will be
relieved, but really it's
just released through
banging and screaming
every time I make a
mistake. I hate that
it causes me agony and fear,
agony for the present and
fear for the future, but I justify it
by saying that it's not all the time,
even though it really is. I hate that
the passion is gone, the flame quenched,
but I need it to hunger for more, I need
it to yearn for me
and my happiness that
has disappeared.
I hate that
I hate it,
and that no matter
how much I
hate it, I
won't quit. But
the decision will
haunt me from
the back of my brain
until I do quit, because
as terrifying as it
is, it's probably the
right thing.
Comments
I am the kind of person who will spend hours proving to myself that through utter determination I can perfect a thing. But sometimes I can't. I have never been a great singer, but I joined chorus in middle school and fell in love with singing. Last year some things happened and no matter what I did it just wan't fun anymore. Sometimes a thing is left empty. I realize this is not comforting. But in a way it was a relief to give up for me. I hope that your joy comes back, from quitting or success.
Thank you for this! I loved hearing your story.
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