i can't look away

i can't look away, it's impossible
there are mirrors all around, covering the walls, the floor, the ceiling
and if i try to turn away, i see you again
standing there in your clandestine beauty,
eyes glimmering with laughter from a joke no one else knows,
gliding over mirrored floors as if you don't notice everyone looking at you
knowing you don't belong to them but wishing anyway

if only you could hold me in the palm of your hand
you'd caress me against the winter wind and whisper in my ear
when i wake up after a nightmare
telling me it was just a dream
telling me i'll be all right
and i know i will be 
once i look into your eyes and see green trees and blue skies and daylight
and i'll hold onto you like a piece of driftwood
because you're my lifeline, the one i count on
to bring me through stormy seas to safety
as lightning cracks the midnight sky

when i take pen to paper and try to sketch your face
i can never get your features right
they're mangled, jumbled,
different from the version of you i know,
creating a new one
that sprouted from my ink-stained hands and glided
on feathery wings onto the yellowed page on which i draw.
this version never looks much like you
except for your smile
i know your smile as well as i know myself

i've tried to say this a million times but
here it is, as clear as i can make it -
doomsday will come and go
the planets will shift and the stars will realign
but i'll be staring at you the entire time
because i can't look away
i never have been able to