I Want My Smile Back

I’ve been smiling. And smiling– because that's the only way to show I'm fine. But behind that smile lives a storm I don't speak about. The type of storm that threatens to destroy everything in its way. Yet small raindrops just come out. I wish I had that smile back. The same smile that was real. Not only smiling to make people believe I'm kind, caring and happy.

I smile knowing that it's the only way people believe I'm fine. I turn a serious problem into something of humor. That's just who I am. I cry when people care for me. But rejoice when they just mind their business. I’m scared to get too attached to someone. There are people I love, yet I can ' t tell them ‘I Love You.’ I wish I had my smile back. The innocent girl who wasn’t scared to say, ‘I Love You,’ I’m sorry I didn't tell you that. 

I show it with actions, not words. My smile disappeared and all I saw was a girl, crumbling under that exterior. Her eyes are full of sadness. This is her. The one who is always smiling with her friend is not herself. I look at myself in the mirror and try smiling, but that vibrant smile is no more there. 

My lips smile, yet my eyes don't. My voice encourages people, yet my thoughts discourage me. My heart pumps blood, but I know it’s breaking. I’m breathing right now, but I feel suffocated by the world. I travel places, move to different places, but I know I can never move on.

All I want is that smile back. I want to be happy again. I want to be able to feel it. I want to be able to cry when grieving, not just staring into blank space. I want to be able to love myself. The way I love others. I want to be able to make my own decisions and not just follow the crowd. I want to find my voice again. 

I want to say ‘I love you mom, I love you dad, I love my friends,’ but most of all I want to find my smile… I want it back…

I don't want to be the beam of sunlight where I go, I want to be the raging, never ending fire. I want to be able to take risks. I want to be able to feel all emotions, not only sadness.

But I know as long as I live, I’ll have to earn those.

Starting by opening up…

I’ll take one step at a time just like how I learned to walk…