The Pain of Broken Friendship

A mini-canvas of me and her in a faceless painting style lays face down in the corner of my bookshelf. It took a month or two to turn over, but I still have the canvas. We made it at her house during a sleepover. We needed to work on a theology project and wanted to use that as a reason to hang out. She taught me the faceless style. I remember her dog bothering us, her siblings watching me, and how we were still best friends. 

My lock screen, which rotates photos of family and friends, is cleared of pictures of her. It took me months, but the photos are still on my phone. Deleting them would mean deleting the memories. But what do you do when the memories contain the person that both made you so happy and caused you so much pain? 

A simple, but intricately drawn pencil sketch of a flower still hangs on my bulletin board. How long does it take to get over a friendship? 

My goals for freshman year of high school were widespread, but I clearly remember during freshman bonding, sitting with some of my soon-to-be best friends, explaining that one of my goals was to finally have "MY group of friends". 

Little did I know that "MY group of friends" would not last from freshman to senior year. It didn't even last from freshman to sophomore year. 

During our freshman retreat, the seniors told us that friendships would change, and I remember clearly thinking, "not my group of friends, we are perfect". Looking back, it is a little funny how naive I was about high school friendships. 

I began realizing that my intuition was good during freshman year. I could quickly tell from other people's demeanors- if they were upset or if something was off. Sophomore year, alarm bells were going off all year. They'd even started in freshman year. As much as I tried to fix them, I also tried to ignore them. This friendship was the one thing that I had wanted for so long, and I didn't want it to fall apart. 

The signs were subtle, but they quickly were as obvious as could be. People would say that it wasn't a big deal, but I could tell that it was. And I was right. 

But saying that doesn't make me feel any better. I wish I were wrong. I wish it were still the same it had been freshman year. I wish the friendship didn't fall apart. 

"Never mind, I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you". Adele has consistently been a favorite singer of mine, but whenever I sing this song, it takes new shape. Will I find someone like her? Will it ever be the same? I definitely wish her the best, though. Despite all the pain and hurt, I could never wish someone poorly. But even then, it's complicated. 

Part of me is glad that she is gone, with all the pain she caused me, just seeing her brought new hurt. But simultaneously, how could you wish someone to start at a new school for junior year? Wish for the transfer of private to public? I knew there would be less hurt, but part of my heart was still breaking. 

Maybe from a small sliver of hope that we could be okay again. Maybe because I knew that it was going to be the last time we would see each other. Maybe because it taught my inner child that friendships aren't as easy as they say.