pointless pleas

someone hear me

please, little gods, 

whoever is listening, 

whoever hears the echo, 

someone

hear me. 

i have enough 

caffeine 

in my blood

to kill a cow,

or enough to 

fight god

and win

though, 

i’m losing 

against calculus 

what the hell is cosecant

i have not

slept 

in days

i genuinely don't know

how long its been

since i was last

in my bed.

its not relevant.

but i miss it,

my bed, that is. 

i miss being warm. 

i miss my 

steady hands

not fighting 

for my eyes

to focus. 

but i can’t sleep.

not yet. 

theres too much 

to be done. still. 

always. 

the hours of 11-4

are the only times

i have 

for myself. 

for homework, 

for a shower, 

for folding laundry, 

for my writing. 

so little gods, 

I will use them 

for all they’re worth.

and come 4am, 

ill change 

from my riding breeches

to work clothes

and drive myself 

blasting music 

and windows down

in winter

shotgunning Red Bull 

down dark

empty streets

to work. 

and listen 

to my coworkers 

complain 

about three hours 

of sleep. 

i literally crave three hours of sleep. 

but i wont say anything. 

14.50. 

that’s how much i make

for crappy people

and crappy work

but ill take the free coffee

the free caffeine 

and a stolen sandwich 

and go to school

sit and doze 

against my will

try and figure out

what the hell a cosecant is. 

another Red Bull, 

and i’m still tired, 

and avoid Her, 

cause she’ll know

and she’ll clock me

and she’ll put me 

to sleep 

make me sleep 

with time 

i don't have.

so avoid her, 

and go ride instead

finally, finally, 

stop fighting 

for consciousness. 

just ride, 

and feel awake 

alive, 

and get off

back to reality 

feet on the ground. 

back to 14.50 

for another 4.5 hours

a faux family dinner

don’t fall asleep

coffee is not a meal

eat the leftovers

don’t vomit 

no Red Bull at the table 

Red Bull upstairs. 

rinse and repeat. 

you’ll sleep tomorrow. 

the next day? 

maybe. 

or not. 

it doesn’t actually matter, 

you see. 

because you’re average 

and still 

useless 

and still

stupid 

so, to the 

little gods, 

to whoever has been 

burdened 

by this echo, 

of my pleas, 

of my complaints, 

just know. 

i’m trying. 

please god, 

just know, 

i’m trying 

so hard.