I don't dare admit it to myself
to my friends
to my family
I'm embarrassed
ashamed
scared of what could be
I have to find ways to sneakily deal with it
without anyone noticing
I hate myself for it
I hate the way my life has gone
for not fixing it while I had the chance.
I don't know how to stop it
how to change it
I try different ways
but it doesn't do much.
The answer may require facing one of my worst fears
that other people would laugh at if they knew.
I keep secrets
even from myself.
The toy falls
faster
faster
closer to the ground
its paws reaching out
it lands on the grass with a light thud
it hides there
waiting
quietly.
I have the chance to do anything
not quite everything
but many things
and I don't know what I want to do.
I could be a writer
or start my own company
or be an Einstein-level mathematician
I hate stereotypes
and the heavy, constant smell of perfume as I walk by my classmates wearing too much lip gloss
but I like dressing myself up
and I do care about my appearance
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