sometime in January

Lately in all my dreams my nose is bleeding 
and sooner or later I somehow bite my tongue and
the taste of copper fills my mouth but
I am not afraid until I wake up
Lately I have felt myself growing physically stronger but mentally
I am putting my walls back up because although I am gaining confidence 
I am still scared 
Lately he "Gave me an ultimatum", as if it was MY choice to have him chase after me for far too long, touch me when I didn't say he could
start fights over a relationship that didn't exist 
He "gave ME an ultimatum" and so I gave him an answer
I left
Lately I have seen yellow pansies bloom in the middle of this brown winter, bright spots of hope, something saying it's still okay and 
although I'm not sure I believe that, it 
reminds me why I'm still here
Lately I have started calling someone Love, in a way that I mean
and I get a smile and a song in return 
Lately I've been tired and broken and wanting to leave except
there's still people here to love and so I stay 
Lately I have been pushing my body hard, cold air rushing into 
my lungs and burning all the way down and for a moment, just a moment
I am gratified and free
Lately I have found someone to laugh with, be a person with
met them a year ago at the end of a weekend and 
It's funny how small this world is, ending up in the same spot now together 
Lately in all my dreams there is a dark brown house on a quiet street, 
Inside is a staircase, lined with tired photos and a soft maple banister
I've never seen the top of the stairs, turned on the light up there 
I'm still waiting for something to happen