Sucky Spy

I’m sorry, but what does he think C.I.A. stands for? Clowns institutional- alright. I have nothing for the A, but you get my point. He flunked all of his training, but since his Dad was a former agent, they let him through! I’m sorry, but that’s creating anarchy, people! Last month, we were partnered up to catch a jewel thief that was at large in New York, but just as I was about to sneak up on the thief, he farted! The thief turned around and punched me in the eye! I still have the bruise! Also, when we had to make a fast getaway, he A, slipped on the wet floors, B, locked the keys into the car, and C, forgot any of his gear, or a grappling hook! We had to share mine, but I nearly fell because he was squirming since he was apparently afraid of heights, and I almost went deaf because he screamed so much! Thankfully, the agency sent a helicopter, but the guy was in therapy after that because he had acrophobia, meaning a REALLY bad fear of heights! Come on! This is the C.I.A. for crying out loud! He’s also the most annoying human on the planet because he never keeps his mouth shut. He’d talk about everything under the sun in one hour if he could, not to mention he chews with his mouth open, and keeps talking! One time, he choked while eating because he was talking so fast, and I gave him the Heimliche, but when he spit out the food, it hit our boss! In the FACE! He blamed it on me, and got everyone there to say it, too! I wasn’t allowed to go on missions for a week! And I had to clean up the mess hall after everyone was done eating! Lastly, while on a group mission with two other agents, we were at a bank, he stole! When I say stole, I mean he stole a lot! We’re talking jewels and jewelry, gold bars and stashes of cash kept in locked vaults. He even stole a priceless crown, and put it all in a potato sack he brought with him! It was all caught on camera, and the C.I.A. got big times charges that they had to pay off since he was one of their agents, and since he blew off all of the money a day later. They still haven’t fired him! I hope someone comes to their senses and fires this terrible agent soon!

Agent Bubblegum, log entry 3860, 06/10/25