Since you ate a mayo tuna fish sandwich before a job interview and didn’t have any gum, you went to the vending machine to buy some. After spending twenty-five minutes trying to force the machine to accept your dollar bill, the interviewer found you on your knees, shaking and crying, babbling about string theory. When you tried to apologize for being late, he got a full whiff of your reeking breath and became immediately comatose. You became a convicted felon for attempted murder and was forced to flee the country, which was a shame, because you would’ve loved the office snacks.
When you wrote a negative review on Yelp because a local diner forgot to put mayo in your spicy chicken sandwich, the owner, Richard, spent all morning writing fake reviews to get back to five stars. Since there was no time for brushing, Richard walked around with a hunk of spinach in his teeth, looking like a flaming idiot the entire day. Due to Richard’s overwhelming humiliation, he was diagnosed with clinical constipation and moved to Iceland, where spinach cannot physically grow. He now checks his teeth compulsively.
When your cousin, Robert, tried making his own mayo egg salad after watching two episodes of MasterChef, you lied through your teeth and told him it “was so good, it’s heaven on earth!” Robert tried selling his “delicacy” at the farmer’s market instead of going to his part-time job as a pepper spray subject. He is now chronically unemployed.
Because you knocked over the Steamed Artichoke Basil Mayonnaise Dip at that fancy Italian restaurant, the waitress was forced to stay after hours to scrape egg off the tiles. By the time she was finished, it was 10 p.m., and she had missed her nonrefundable introductory Python coding class. She even bought a Raspberry Pi, and now she doesn’t even know how to use it.
That Thanksgiving when you sat on your aunt’s homemade mayonnaise sweet potato casserole and tried playing it off, even though there was a butt print smack dab in the middle. Everyone knew it was you, and Aunt Becky was devastated. You were condemned to the kiddie table, and your only company was Breeleighty, your 12-year-old horse-girl cousin. She “gallops” instead of walking.
That time you decided to prank your buddy Joe by eating pudding out of a mayo jar at his surprise birthday party. You thought it was hilarious, but Joe filed for a restraining order. He stopped being friends with you, shaved his head, changed his middle name, and fled the country. Long distance didn’t work out between him and his then-girlfriend, and now she’s dating a guy who choreographs middle school plays as a “side hustle,” whom she pays for on dates. She was diagnosed with a mayonnaise allergy.
Originally published on medium.com
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