Underwater
it's nearly silent
incredibly quiet
all sharp sounds softened by the waves.
Underwater
all of the loud, nagging noises of life fades into a faint murmur
bearable for once.
Underwater
I kick my way to the bottom
the pressure filling my ears
all I can hear is the water.
Underwater
I stay
I wait
until I start to float back up
until I run out of air
until I shoot up
up
up
out of the water
dripping
breathing
surrounded by sounds
surrounded by air.
Which to choose
quiet silence
or air?
I am tormented by slight movements
even silence is hurting me
reality seems to be strobing
or something like it -
I've yet to learn how to explain these moments to others,
even myself.
It's not normal,
This is the worst kind of anticipation
this anticipation isn't just fear of what is to come
it's laced around the edges with knowledge of how it went last time
of how a repeat of last year is most likely inevitable.
You two have entered my life at different times
yet you both mean the world to me
I dread separation -
the battle between boredom and loneliness cancels out everything else and I miss your everyday comments on the world
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