Why I Was Late To Band Today

"So I was in English class, right," said the kid, "and then the bell rang and while I was switching classes, I got super duper thirsty, so I stopped at the water fountain, so then I remembered that the water fountain in the east wing of the school is out of order and the only other one is in the west wing, so I started walking all the way there, but on my way there, I passed a group of guys walking real fast through the hall, so I said 'hey, what're you guys walking so fast for,' and they said 'we're going to protest the water fountain being out of order,' and I said 'hey, why don't I join you; I just had to walk all the way to this side of the school just to get water,' and anyway, we walked over to the water fountain and they were all waving signs that said stuff like fix the water fountain and rights for thirsty people and we want an air-fryer in the boys' bathroom, and all of a sudden I see Matt the school security guy speak into his walkie-talkie and all of a sudden these dudes, I guess they were other security guards, form around us in riot gear, and I see them throw one of the guys down and a second later I heard him choking, and I said 'hey, get off him, he's getting hurt,' but by that time I had already been picked up by the riot-gear-guys and tossed in the school van and they were all like 'we're taking you back to the school that you came from' and I was like 'what, like the elementary school?' and they were like 'shut up' and I was like 'okay,' and so I woke up in some basement and the president of the United States was there hanging out in his underwear, and for some reason he had toe-gripper socks on, and I couldn't quite tell if they were white or orange, but anyway, he walks over to me and he's like 'we need that information' and I'm like 'I don't know any information, I'm just late to band' and he was like 'we have ways of making you talk,'

and all of a sudden I became very afraid, not because I did not know what he wanted me to know, not because of what he would do to me, but because if somehow I did know and didn't realize it, I would tell him and he then would know,

and I saw that he was taller than me, and that he was bigger, and that our eyeliners met at an odd angle that I did not and could not ever understand, and I remembered how thirsty I was, and how thirsty my friends were, and how thirsty even the security guards must have been, and that no matter how much bigger he was, I would always be more,

So I stood up off that basement floor,

I looked downward at the big strong president,

and I said 'I would rather miss band class',

and the basement caved in."