This is really goodbye

I've grieved this relationship a million times, a million ways, yet it was always somehow easier because I knew you would come back. I knew how to play my cards so I could be assured that you were hooked as much as I am. 

Now I know this is forever because it's what you want and need. 

It's so much harder to say goodbye when I know it's truly the last time, my friends all say it's for the best, that you ruined me, but I will continue to defend your name even though its one I won't be calling out anymore. 

My heart is still holding onto hope that you will come back, that we can fix this, but it will soon realize that to be untrue. It will realize that as I watch you get better and better without me while I fall further and further without you. 

I'm losing more than just a friend here, more than just an ex-lover, I'm losing a piece of myself and in your wake a human sized hole will lie. 

I will still know your favorite song, candy, character, I will still remember your favorite chord on the guitar and piano, which jeans you feel better in and which girls you used to like, I will still know that even when I am just another name on a growing list of girls who broke your heart, that you'll trash talk to the next. I'm hoping to be a victim of your slander anyway, but I fear mine might be a name you'll never speak again, I'm terrified that "Bee" is a name that will never be on your lips again. 

I will put back on my mask that you begged me so much to take off, I'll go on pretending that there is still a light at the end of the tunnel even though I know I gave it to you because you're afraid of the dark. 

The words, "I love you" will still ring out from my heart, I will still call you "my love" in my mind, but no longer will you hear me say it. 

I thought that "I hate you" was the hardest thing to say, but now I know it is "goodbye."