Essay

Every July 4th, I wonder why we do this. Why we stand on the sides of the streets, watching little children hold their arms out for candy, gazing at the police cars and fire trucks rolling by in tandem.

Last night at work, I had a bit of a panic attack. Something like that, something similar. You don’t really know while you’re in it, why it happens, but the reasons were there, and I know them now. 

The current ongoing erasing of the rights of marginalized groups in society deeply affects the people all around, as well as myself.

When people mention women in action-packed situations, they often use the words "fragile" and "pathetic." Like we're glass that might - no. WILL break at the smallest nudge. But you know what is fragile? Pathetic? Their egos.

As I’m writing this I’m lying in bed in Nuevo Horizonte. A small jungle town in the north of Guatemala where around 100 people live and work together. Recently (a day ago) we wrapped up our time in San Juan La Laguna with our homestay family’s.

Content Warning: This details my experience during a school lockdown that we presumed at the time to be an active shooter (it was not). There is no actual violence in this; there is only the dread of not knowing.

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On my first day of sixth grade, someone told me, “You’re the only person that has said that to me today.” I didn’t realize the weight of those words at the time, but looking back, I understand how much they impacted my life.

When I pulled up to my grandparents’ home in a cramped rented car with my family, I was always welcomed by the rumbling of the tires on the old and uneven brick pavement.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been deeply immersed in the digital world. My life has been a constant stream of online consumption, whether for academic purposes or purely for personal enjoyment.

For most of my life, I’ve felt like I was trapped in a real-life mega game of chess.

It's summertime in Montana, and because we ranch, because animals and plants and the weather are on their own time, I sit around and wait a lot.

I am out at night because I can’t stand myself. 

People are milling on the street. Nobody looks at me. They all look at each other as they pass, and the lights decorate their faces to be tall and luminous.