Calico Frost

I am tormented by slight movements

even silence is hurting me

reality seems to be strobing

or something like it -

I've yet to learn how to explain these moments to others,

even myself.

It's not normal,

This is the worst kind of anticipation

this anticipation isn't just fear of what is to come

it's laced around the edges with knowledge of how it went last time

of how a repeat of last year is most likely inevitable.

You two have entered my life at different times

yet you both mean the world to me

I dread separation -

the battle between boredom and loneliness cancels out everything else and I miss your everyday comments on the world

You know what?

You were right

this sucks

school is crap

there's no point in trying in fields where you're not welcome.

I can't back out of this mess

This trail

this trail was too hard

way too hard

pushed me

emotionally and physically

in a way that left me nauseous

unable to breathe

shaky