Backpack Straps and Expectations

I can’t tell what’s heavier on my shoulders 

The weight of my backpack 

Or the weight of the expectations

I don’t know what’s harder

Falling asleep at night

Or waking up in the morning 

I could overthink everything 

And I would never feel ready 

I don’t know what’s worse

A C

Or that panic attacks have become a common occurrence 

I don’t know why I’m so tired

Maybe it’s the piles of homework

Or the stacks of anxiety in my head

Even now

My head is spinning

My fingers shaking 

My eyelids begging to close

But my brain won’t shut up

At this point I don’t know what’s more important 

A 4.0

Or my sanity

My mental calendar is filled

The due date of my English essay 

Shares a day with that test

And the slide show is due before that

I need to remember to sleep

But get all that done

And do an extracurricular

A sport 

Join a club

Try something new

My back hurts

From my backpack straps 

And expectations

My head hurts

From my migraine

And the tornado of thoughts

My eyes hurt 

From the lack of sleep

And staring at that math problem for too long

My heart hurts 

Because I know

That no matter how hard I try

It won’t get better

My panic attacks will multiply 

Faster than the assignments piling up

My grades might drop

Lower than my self esteem

And my backpack will weigh just as much 

As the expectations that blanket my shoulders