Reflections

Everybody hates mirrors.

Anything reflective.

Anything that shows you who you are -

we will never be enough to appease ourselves.

I miss when I could go into a public restroom

and wash my hands

and not avoid the thing on the wall right in front of me -

when I could just look,

check if anything was on my face or in my teeth,

and that was that.

No judgment.

I miss when I didn't dodge cameras, 

when I could say 

"oh that's a terrible photo of me haha"

without worrying that that terrible photo 

is what I look like now.

I miss when I didn't have to force myself to look at my reflection

in shadows of dimmed lighting

I miss when I wasn't so judgmental

constantly comparing myself to other people

all it does is hurt.

I miss when I looked unafraid and confident into the glass of who I am

when I could be so sure -

now my face isn't - never will be - good enough

pretty enough

perfect enough 

for what I want to achieve in life.

I wish the phrase "middle school girl"

didn't mean

scared to look at ourselves

mad at ourselves

calling ourselves names in the mirrors we hate

constantly changing us for them

them

who is them, anyway?

We deserve better than that, but we don't see it.

We're told beauty is what comes from the inside -

in an idealistic Barbie world, yes.

Beauty is within, yes.

But here?

Here it matters

and as a result we torment ourselves

for not looking like absolute camera-filter models.

Our bodies, wrong.

Faces, wrong.

Makeup is a cure.

That's not how I want to live,

but it's how we do live.

Something has to change but I'm not strong enough to change it

to look in the mirror unapologetically

without crying into my hands or getting mad at myself and the world

without hiding under hats and the absence of hair ties.

I tell myself I don't care what others think.

I do

but myself is my worst enemy -

I hate me sometimes

and it starts

with the mirror.