That Feeling

There's that feeling

Like nostalgia, but different

Like change

Like something I don't want

Or need

Or know what to do with

But at the same time

I'm excited for it

To take that leap, that jump, and just...see

And feel

And be

But I don't go with the flow at all

So really

Honestly

And truly

I hate that feeling

So much

But it draws me in.

It always comes around

At the beginning of a school year

Or around autumn

For whatever reason

And I feel that pang

Of what was

Reminding me that my past haunts me

And my future daunts me

And I can't live in the present because I'm too busy overthinking everything.

I've done this before.

I make the same mistakes

Over

And over

And over

And nothing ever changes.

And the one person who understood that

Who really got me

Who knew me really, really well

In a way that not many other people can or will or do

Wants nothing to do with this.

I guess I can't blame them.

I tell myself, "Live in the moment"

But I never do.

I got a pen that said that once

In my best year

The year I never want to forget

But do, at the same time, because it hurts

When I was ten years old

I got a yellow pen

That told me to enjoy the moment

In all-caps gold writing

Along the side.

I should've listened to the pen

Because everything that was

Truly was

And currently isn't

And it's killing me

Because I want it

But I don't want right now

And maybe that makes no sense

But this is my head

And those memories from that year hurt in a good way

They make me happy

But happy sad

And then happy sad mad because I won't ever have that again

What I had that year

And I made mistakes

I don't know how to fix

And that feeling

That feeling

Is there

Every day

All the time

Reminding me

And I don't like it

I don't like the memories

Because I know if I embrace them they will come back

Relentlessly

Like waves crashing on a shore

And this is my shipwreck

That feeling

That nostalgic-but-not

Sad-but-happy-but-angry

Transitioning

Feeling.

I've never been good at change

Ever.

Some people just roll with it

Make it their own

But I just kind of

Accept it

But not quite

And it's there

Awkwardly

Hovering around

And it doesn't go away

Because I don't know how to tell it to.

Because of that feeling.

And maybe it's just me

Because I don't know if anyone else really gets that

Maybe I'm crazy

Actually, I probably am

But that's just me

So maybe

That feeling

Is fiction

Or false

Or not an actual thing

But it feels real

If that makes any sense

And it lingers.