Nonfiction

My name is Cass Parker Perez and I have no idea who I am. I know I am sixteen. I know I like writing, drawing, and listening to music. But I do not know who, what, when, where, or why I am the way I am. I do not know my gender.

If you ask me what I imagine my life as when I will be 30 I will have a few answers. I will not actually know what my life will look like when I'm 30 because I am 16 right now but forever 15 at heart. When I am thirty it could go one of two ways.

My mother immigrated from Hong Kong to America during her high school years, and continued to live here for college, through early adulthood, till now.

"Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it yet." ~ L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

Sometimes I go on walks in the rain. I don't bring an umbrella or rain coat. Sometimes, I don't even wear shoes. I like to feel the rain drops trickle down my hair. I like the splashes of rain on my skin.

There is this idea that children have a fear of storms. The distant rumble of thunder a warning to run to their parents' bedroom, throw back the covers, and burrow deep into the familiar warmth. 

I have always been quiet. And yet when I was younger, I would wear loud outfits, sing and dance no matter who was around. I played with dolls longer then most girls my age.

Ed. He was always with me. Ed was like my boyfriend. He lived in my head rent free but he constantly controlled me. He almost took over my life. He distorted my self image. Ed judged me, told me what to do all the time.