Not Fun

It

was

terrifying.

Nothing more

nothing less

it could only be described as that.

I was shaking, actually

I don't know why I was so scared of doing this

I guess it was because I had never done it before

I didn't know how it was going to go.

I couldn't eat afterwards

I still feel really bad about the amount of food we had left over.

Everyone was attacking me

saying how great I did

I don't recognize half of my family

which I also feel really bad about

but their words just morphed together

I just nodded and smiled

saying

"Thank you"

"Yeah thanks"

"I love it thank you"

I can't pretend anymore.

I hate most of my family

they won't give me space

I know that they want to spend time with me

I just can't breathe if they're all over me

nonstop

all

freaking

day

long.

And now

it's Sunday morning

and they're going to be at

my house

eating

talking

running around

most likely breaking stuff

I just want some peace and quiet!

You're all proud of what I did

I get it!

But all of this doesn't feel good

if you all yell it over each other

if you're trying to out-pay each other

this is what I don't want!

I don't want my family taking money that they need away from themselves

giving it all to me

I feel guilty

for being the center of attention!

I feel guilty

for myself

my family

my exhausted parents -

I'm not saying that I'm not super tired too -

for my friends

who are actually nice

who give me space when I need it!

My family just doesn't understand

that humans need room to breathe

and guess what?

I'M A HUMAN!!!

Yay, that means I get to breathe too!

I like breathing!

I'm just tired and guilty and pissed off

by my family

for working too hard

for running in the wrong direction

it's like they cleaned our house

except my comforter is on the couch

except the kitchen is full of machinery

except there is more to clean and fix

than there was before.

I would just like a break

at least three hours of quiet

so I don't have to interact

so I can recharge

from the terrifying experience that most people wouldn't understand,

don't understand

how hard it is to hide the shakiness in your legs

as you stand up there

in front of a microphone

in front of all of these people

and not embarrass yourself

as you pretend that you know what you're doing.

It's hard, okay?

It's not fun.