Nov 30

Knocking

You came and I jumped
every time you knocked.
I pretended I
wasn't home.
I turned my music off
to make sure
you wouldn't
be able to hear it.
And I hid
the same way I did
when I was twelve.
With my phone in my hand
and ready to bolt.

I prayed Mom and Dad
locked the door when they left
and if they didn't
I prayed you wouldn't
try and come in.
And your knocking 
became louder and faster
and it sounded so angry
and you were yelling for Dad to open the door
but Dad wasn't home
and I was still jumping.

And then I heard the doorknob twist
back and forth.
And when the door didn't open
you kept knocking.
And I was so happy it was locked.
But what if you just broke in anyway
and were angry
that I didn't just open the door
and who knows what you'll do
when your angry.

And then the knocking stopped
and I was wondering if you
would go back
to the other door and start knocking again.
I thought I heard you door slam shut
and your car leave the driveway
but I wasn't about to go out and check.
So I waited
until I was sure you were gone.

And I wasn't sure what to feel
because you shouldn't scare me
and I should love you
and welcome you with open arms
every time you show up at our door.

I squirmed when I told Mom.
I looked down
embarrassed that I acted
the same way I did  five years ago
when I was twelve years old
and guilty because I'm afraid of you.