What makes me stop and wonder is how are we even here? 

How am I even writing this?

What miracle allowed us to come into existence?

Better question, why us?

Why not the sharks, the birds, the insects?

Why only us?

The fact that we have only found more questions than answers. 

The fact that we know there's more out there, but can't reach it. 

Just out of our grasp. 

Just past our physical and mental limitations. 

So I wonder... why us?

I am from 

My hip-dysplasia harness and 

My teddy bear blanket 

I am from my dog that always slept beside me 

Even when my parents locked the door 

I am from my vicious nightmares 

That drove me to my mother’s bed 

And sharing a room with my sisters or brother 

Always on the upper bunk 

I am from my broken collarbone 

Fractured a week before kindergarten started 

And my love for stories 

Happy and sad 

I am from my love for animals 

Big and small 

And learning to cook 

Before I could even reach the stove 

I am from the joy of kindergarten 

And all that I learned 

From the lemon pound cake I made for my sixth birthday party 

And playing Dragonvale after I was supposed to be asleep 

I am from my love of Pokémon 

And my obsession with Yu-Gi-Oh 

Which carries on to today 

From my reluctance to learn to read 

To the absolute bookworm I am now 

I am from finding spiders and earwigs 

In every corner of our house 

And learning to be patient 

With a hard-of-hearing brother 

I am from learning I love writing 

Because my sister does 

And learning random medical nonsense 

Because my dad and sister quizzed me on it later 

I am from learning how to use an EpiPen 

In case my brother needed it 

From learning to hold my breath 

Because I hated the AeroChamber for my inhaler 

I am from depression that robbed me of my light 

And therapy and meds that brought it back 

From shyness and awkwardness 

To cool confidence 

I am from crippling disabilities 

And hopelessness after doctors told me I’d be wheelchair bound 

To hopeful wonder 

When we found a new treatment 

I am from humidity and mosquitoes 

And beaches with sand and fish 

From catching frogs during nightly walks 

And the sounds of crickets singing as I did 

I am from my love for music 

And the joy it brings 

As it speaks the words I cannot 

From learning to play the violin 

And singing despite my partially paralyzed vocal cords 

I am from that long walk with my sister 

Where it started pouring rain halfway through 

As we danced and splashed and laughed 

While we got soaked through our raincoats 

I am from knowing my siblings will always be my best friends 

Even though we all have separate plans for life 

And realizing that I can tell my parents anything 

Because they always accept me no matter what 

For the last four months since I lost my job, me and my daughter, Willow, have been living in the abandoned parking lot where the old Merry-Go-Round store used to be. Basically Willow and I have been living off of scratch-off tickets and coupons. But today was the day. It’s almost the luckiest day of the year and I am going to buy a lottery ticket.

 When I get to the store I’m so excited that I have saved the three dollars I need to buy one. I walk in and proudly slam down the three dollars and say, 

“One lottery ticket please!” he looks at the three dollars and says

 “Is this a joke? You're missing two dollars. Lotto tickets cost five dollars” I stare blankly. 

“What?” He looks at me like I’ve tried to buy a four dollar chocolate bar for two dollars. “Ma’am unless you have two more dollars I’m gonna have to ask-” 

“I’ll give you two extra dollars Ma’am” I turn around and see the homeless guy from two blocks down holding out his last dollars. I want to refuse but I need this. “Alright this is the only time I will accept money from you” I  take the two dollars from his shaking hand, trying not to think what it cost him. The cashier rolls his eyes and prints the ticket.

Outside, the air smells like rain and asphalt. I thank the man awkwardly. “You didn’t have to do that,” I say. He shrugs. 

“It's almost the luckiest day of the year, right? Figured luck works better when it's shared.” I laugh softly. No one has shared anything with us in months.

 We sit there on the hood of a rusted car watching the ticket numbers pop up on the screen. My heart pounds. One number. Two numbers. I gasp. We got all the numbers. The world goes silent. We head back inside and the clerk double-checks it, and goes pale. Suddenly he says “You might wanna sit down.”

fifty-thousand dollars. I won fifty-thousand dollars. It’s not the millions I had dreamed of but it’s enough. Enough for an apartment. Enough for Willow to go to school with new shoes instead of the tapped walmart brand sneakers that she’s been wearing. Enough to breathe again.

I step outside in a daze, the ticket trembling in my hand. “I guess you were my lucky charm,” I told him. Just noticing he was handsome as hell. 

He smiles, but there’s something different in his eyes – not excitement. But peace. 

“I don’t need half,” he says before I can even speak. “Just…promise, you'll use it. For her.” 

“No.” I say firmly. “You bought this with me. It’s ours.” He  hesitates before he says something I never knew. 

“I wasn’t always…” He gestures to the worn jacket, the shopping cart down the block. “I used to manage that Merry-Go-Round store. Before it closed. Before everything fell apart.” The abandoned lot. The place Willow and I have been sleeping. 

“You’re the reason we’ve been parking there?” I whisper. “I never chased you off,” he says quietly. “Figured someone should have something good come from that place.”

The twist settles in my chest.

He wasn’t just some stranger from two blocks down, He’d been watching over us the whole time – leaving bags of returned bakery bread near the lot, making sure no one bothered us at night. I thought it was a coincidence. It wasn’t. The lottery didn’t save us. 

He did.

And when I tell that half the money is his whether he likes it or not, and that Willow and I aren’t moving anywhere without him having a key too… he laughs for the first time, really laughs.

Maybe the luckiest day of the year wasn’t about the ticket at all. It was about finally seeing the person who’d been standing beside me the whole time.

To be young is to feel the grass growing beneath your feet

And wander through the woods aimlessly

To see the little, quiet things unnoticed by all else

And say,

I saw something beautiful today.

And did you know that birds have wings that make them fly?

And feathers are what make them float?

And that their bones are light as dandelion seeds, blown into the wind to make a wish upon.

To grow older is to forget the vines creeping up your wall,

To only see that they have grown too tall.

Stop thinking about the words between pages, and instead of clocks whose hands are always moving

With the time that never stops

And goes a little too slow but a little too fast all at once

I didn’t see the birds that flew above my head, because I was too busy wishing I could fly just as they could.

To be old is to wonder where it all went

Years wasted, perhaps, on things that never really mattered

But now, you notice the flowers growing in the spring

Wishing you had seen them always.

And did you notice the bird sitting upon the railing?

It has wings that make it fly

Feathers to float

And bones light as dandelion seeds, drifting up into the sky.

I think I might drown

From the weight on my shoulders

Expectations,

Hopes,

Dreams.

I want to meet them

I need to meet them

The lines are hazy

I can’t see clearly

I don’t know what’s good for me

And I don’t care

I can’t stop

I don’t matter,

Only my goals do

I’m going too fast

Colors are blurring

I’m hearing sounds I can’t make out,

Running

Through the foggy horizon

Voices call out,

Telling me I need to do more

Be better

Stay on top of everything

And for once,

I stop.

For once,

I open up,

Letting someone take my burden

I don’t feel like I’m giving up

I don’t feel ashamed

I don’t feel like I failed

I feel lighter,

Happier

And I wish I had done it sooner.

Dirt road, springtime

Air wet with snow

Evaporating,

Roads soft,

Like new petals.

Girl, brown hair

Pony tail

Chocolate eyes

Kissing at the corners

Running shoes,

A year and a half old

Black with a pink stripe.

Soft steps, soft mud

Winding road

From the white clapboards

And new painted blue window frames

And old yellow adirondack chairs

Down the valley.

Dog on the porch

Of the house down the road

Yellow clapboards

He guards the hibernating garden

With his black eyes

Like starry night skies.

Long steps

Following

The rhythm of endless playlists

In her earbuds.

Barking,

Louder than the playlists,

Past the earbuds.

She slips them out into

Her pocket

Steps slower

Smaller,

Pausing.

His steps bounce

Off the porch

Curls flying

Water flying

Mud flying

Towards her

He slows,

Circles her rubs his paws

To her legs.

Chestnut,

C’mere.

Sorry ‘bout him,

I should bring ‘im in,

Shouldn’t I?

The lady calls

From the green door,

White hair

Piled up with a pink clip.

The dog stays

Rubbing the girls leg,

Starry night eyes saying

You won’t make me leave.

Chestnut,

Let’s go bud,

Pink black shoes and curly muddy paws

Padding in the mud

To the door.

Sorry ‘bout that

It’s alright,

Pink and black shoes rock

Back

Forth

He’s sweet,

Thanks, and thanks for

Bringing her back.

The dog stays

Curled, unfurling

Slowly not wanting to leave

The girl’s side

Are you the girl 

From down the street?

Yeah,

I’m Becca.

Rock back

Forth

I’m Susan.

Hopefully I’ll see you around.

Flat feet.

You too.

Smile.

Feeling my soft shoes 

Impacting the ground

My calves and my lungs,

Burning from effort 

But it feels so good

Because even though 

I’m confined to this 

One house, this one town

With the same people

I feel like I can 

Go places, or fly

With every step and

Push off the asphalt

I feel free, or calm.

So I guess, for me,

Being calm is not

A place or a thing,

But movement, and sports.

& it was the tensest last period class I've ever been in. Well, for me, at least,

and maybe only for me - when the announcement came on to secure

the school, no going outside, continue as normal,

the classroom erupted with noise, everyone joking

& faking scared like this wasn't the most awful moment of their life.

I sat there for another half hour, crossing my fingers

that we'd be able to go home on time. And there it was,

at dismissal the loudspeaker beeped and we were off

into the slow afternoon rain. At this point the rumors

were clustering around each other & nobody had really heard

the details anyways so everything was a jumble of confusion

as we scattered across the wet pavement to the buses;

I promised to text when I got home & waved goodbye to my friends.

The bus turned

the corner and I pressed my head to the window

coated with raindrops & washed in the blue light

of faraway sirens, and all the way home I prayed. I prayed for the safety

of my friends, of my family, of myself. I prayed the people involved

made it home alive. I prayed for the homeless man on the corner,

that he would go unnoticed by everyone wishing to harm.

I prayed for the children in detention centers, for their parents,

for the hopeful return of them to the world. I prayed

even for the soldiers in bulletproof vests,

holding guns,

so someday they could wipe the illusion from their eyes. I prayed

as I walked through the hastening drizzle. 

I prayed as I stepped through the door. I prayed

for the hope & the courage for a better world

because nobody should ever have to sit silently in a classroom

not knowing what's going to happen next. No child should ever have to walk

home in the rain praying for what was already promised.

No one should ever have to say out loud that nobody should live like this.