Lulu_D

There are many moments

Where I don’t feel 

Deserving

Of the attention

Today I’m reminding myself

Of how far I’ve come,

All the years I’ve spent

Living in pain

I’ve kept every card I’ve ever received 

For as long as I can remember

People fade in and out of your life

Eventually lost in the past, forgotten

I read their letters after sunset

“Why didn’t you ask for help?”

When I didn’t write for weeks

I was asking for help

When I stopped smiling

When I stopped laughing

When happiness became fake

The hardest part

Wasn’t

Noticing the signs

Hoping they won’t notice the way they hurt you

Knowing they don’t care

Leaving first

Telling yourself to move on

To remember

Is to live in the past

Unable to forget

The wonder and happiness

That emerged from the darkness

To remember

Is insanity

To do the same thing repeatedly

I can’t pretend anymore

I’m not okay,

I’ve never been okay

And I don’t think I’ll ever be okay

But every day I’m trying

Every day I’m learning to love the flaws he hated

Every day I’m writing