If I were

If I were fearless, I'd tell you
That old songs make me think of you
That you remind me of a bluebird, and I can hear your voice
In quiet places

If I were high, I'd tell you
That I still dont know what color your eyes are, 
That somehow everything makes sense with you even though it shouldn’t, Id tell you
That I miss holding you, that
I wasn't expecting this when I met you
If I could, I'd tell you that I dont regret it

If I wasn't scared, Id tell you
That all the songs you send me are saved on a playlist 
I’d tell you that I’m scared of love because I hate goodbyes, but 
I think it’s too late now 

If I were stronger, tougher, maybe more kind, I’d tell you
That your texts make me smile, that time moves around us, 
I’d tell you that I screwed up, that I’m sorry, that you show up in my dreams, 
As cheesy as that sounds…

If I were brave, I’d tell you
That I’m sorry and I’m sorry and I’m sorry a million times over
Because you don’t deserve the shit this world throws at you

If I were clear-headed, I’d tell you
About late-night phone calls and how I went to bed smiling so hard, how 
I catch myself looking for you everywhere, even in the trees, I’d tell you
That you are unlike anyone I’ve ever known except me, 
That I understand when days are hard, that I wish I could hold you and fall asleep –
If I were clear-headed, I’d tell you about fear and breaking and healing and cloudy days with sunny moments and how your heart looks just like mine –

If I were smart, I’d tell you
all of this 
That I miss you, that I want you, 
That it’s good
That what this is, feels good with you
You’d understand what I meant if you read this
If I were smart I’d tell you
Please stay. 
I want you to stay.  




18 years old

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