I would like to start off by saying, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT! I didn’t ask you for fashion advice, so don’t bash my clothes. I didn’t ask you if I was right, so don’t tell me what I did wrong. I definitely didn’t ask for your judgemental eyes to watch me and your loose lips to gossip about me. Halls have ears. Hundreds of ears. They also have gaping mouths with literally no filter. Keep that in mind the next time you talk trash.
So hard to breath when they just won’t come out. But the more it hurts the more it needs to be said The words that nobody wants to hear But at the same time, dying for them to come out. They mean so so much It could knock somebody right off their feet It could sound so sweet Or maybe it’s the opposite? Saying “I love you” Could be the beginning or the end of a relationship But when the person can’t be read like a book All you can do is read between the lines But when you miss the key hints that they don’t really like you it’s hard to see. That this love Isn’t real or in fact was never truly there and will never be there
i am done with this i am done with screaming and having no one hear me.
we are running out of time, if not out of time already.
what do i need to say to make you understand that our planet is dying and we are doing nothing about it? what do i need to say to make you understand that the clock is running out and we aren't trying to create more time? what do i need to say to make you fucking understand?
i am just a kid i can only do so much and i'm doing what i can but i can only hold so much of the burden that the world now shares because it's everyone's fault and don't you dare deny it. you have the power you have the right you represent thousands of kids across the US like me who want change to happen who are using every last drop of artistic talent to get our points across but our pleas fall on deaf ears.
you watch me bathe in my own shameless self destruction, wilted guilt and tiresome apologies. “if only the blade you pierced me with would have been sharper” i say. “then i could be dead.” i choke out my mascara-run tears, and pout my lips. i tug on the hem of your dress and tell you how you ruined my life. you decide you don’t want children because of my endless temper tantrums.
when in fact, it was my brittle ego that fucked us up. my dramatic declarations. my pity-seeking soliloquies that i preach to you.
So I found out that my parents are getting divorced, and I just recently found out why. It turns out that my father has cheated five times. Keep in mind all of the girls are twenty years younger than him so obviously I'm not happy. Plus my dog got paralyzed, and we didn't have enough money to fix his legs, so we sadly had to put him down. I've also been diagnosed with anxiety, and depression. I have a therapist, and at the end of the month I'm going to the doctor again to see if I need medication. I have also come out as lesbian, and use she/they pronouns. I'm very thankful that my family is supportive of me, but it was extremely hard on me when I came out to my best friend, (who I met in kindergarten) and she called me disgusting for it. I luckily got her out of my life. Also I was scrolling through my posts, and I never realized how cringy my stuff was. I apologize for that!
Picture waking up with your body sore and tingling, it’s still doing that as you climb in the car and head to the hospital. When you go into the waiting room, you notice everyone around you is not okay in some way. The room is pale, everything, everyone is pale. A pale doctor walks in, speaks in a colorless voice to your mother. He leads you down a hallway. Pale, of course.
You just want to sleep.
There are voices and sparks swirling around you, everything is a haze until the doctor taps your knee and you open your eyes to blurry forms. He’s asking you questions, your mother looks pensive and scared as you just shrug out all your answers. Your brain can’t process his words. Finally, a question you can answer.
--what doesn’t feel good?--
Your brain slowly clicks words into their places of meaning. It takes a long time.
I have no idea how my feeling could grow so strong and so quick For someone who has no intent of loving me back. Some might say its only a crush that will fade with time, To which I agree completely but I’m not heartless enough to not say… I wish you accepted me for all I am Not as a friend but more. Whatever that might be It might end in heartbreak I might shatter into pieces but how will I know it's not real, Unless I jump And see what’s out there for me We all have so many mistakes we can make in life Saying the wrong thing or not saying enough Not asking the girl to prom or not standing out But how do we know if its the right choice without speaking the first word I may not have the confidence to speak today but tomorrow is a new day And courage grows with time not with failure
that people dont like me people talk behind my back whispers follow me down crowded hallways and i keep my head high pretend i dont notice pretend it doesnt bother me put on a mask play dumb and act along liar/fake/anythingelsemymindcallsme i pretend to be academically smart though i struggle to keep up. i pretend to be socially dumb though i know more than people think because i listen i watch i look for the hidden cracks i can crawl into and vanish no one notices im gone. from my little peephole i watch and see emotions and lost stares. i listen and hear near-silent whispers and soft confessions and backstabs. i wait and hold my breath moment frozen in time let it go world resumes keep walking head up ignore ignore ignore but dont forget words clipped with steel
why aren't you talking to me?! i could scream i just miss you
i do want you in my life! i love you i just can't hold all this up on my own. if you don't want to help me carry this, then just tell me! maybe then I won't be talking to the wall. see you later then maybe why do i even care? you guys left me homeless you guys left me without my people do i have to remake every friend i've made? but i still love you, that's why i'm still trying right now! stop pretending you still like me if you don't! all you're doing is rubbing salt in the wound no, more like bleeding heart flowers.
I'm not even going to pretend--I know it's difficult, not knowing me, barely aware that there could be a face behind the words you've read online, the pain and ecstasy and everything in-between. I suppose I've written in first-person so often, it's numbed you all to the fact that I'm not writing about someone else--it's me. God, of course, it is. I can't be anyone else--I could never write or laugh or smile or cry or scream like someone else. I could never, ever be someone else, even if I cut myself open and pried my flesh apart, picked my brain from my skull and switched it out, scratched and tore at my face until it wasn't mine, couldn't be mine. Bled through my flesh, rebirthed from the blood on my skin--someone new, someone better, someone who got everyone and everything she liked. So, today, right now, whoever comes across this gets to see exactly what I write--and know who it is on the other side.
Did you know that the reason Hawaii is part of the US is because the President of the United States married the queen of Hawaii? Well, that's not true. When I was younger, my brothers would always mess with me. "If you come into my room one more time without knocking, I'll tell Spider-man to take away your toilet paper privileges," "If you don't massage my back then I'll tell Mom to leave you at home with Grandma while the rest of us are on vacation," "Voldemort was real and the government tried to cover it up." Things like that. And as a gullible 6 year old, I believed all of them. On our way to Hawaii, I was talking with them and I asked them how it was part of our country if it wasn't connected on the map. And you can guess what they told me. I don't think they thought I believed them, but when we got to the hotel, I became friends with another kid in the lobby. I told her "the truth" and she, also being gullible, believed me.
I got braces a few weeks ago. It's a BIG change. I can no longer bite into a burger or hot dog. I cant chew things with my front teeth. I have to take an extra fifteen minutes to brush and floss. I'm not embarrassed because nearly every kid in my grade has them. When I'm eating food in a restaurant I catch people staring at me. I see little kids giving my braces big bug eyes. It's not a good feeling....... My teeth HURT and yet I know its because they are working. It's kind of scary to think that just a few weeks ago, the first day of the next 2 years of my life, happened.
My dad moved out and well I'm pretty sure he's not moving back in and at this point I want my parents to get divorced I don't even care anymore, I'm FINALLY getting rid of my toxic friends which feels awesome, Finding more out about myself every now and then, Im tired of everything, I found a few true friends, middle school sucks, brother is going to college, I'm not really happy but I can't tell my mom because she already has a lot going on and I don't want to add to that besides I'm not really open with my feelings so this is hard for me, I tried asking for a therapist but all I did was cry and I couldn't get a word out, found out I'm pansexual so.., I had a panic attack in the middle of a store cuz of my social anxiety, got anime merch :), I hate everything except my friends, sleep, anime, and food. I wanna do volleyball but people are pressuring me to do track because of my "long legs".
