You insert your earbuds into your ears after a rough day and “Truce” by twenty one pilots starts playing. The soft instrumentals and delicate vocals hit you like a splash of warm water. You’re consumed by a sense of love and wantedness that makes you feel like you can survive and keep going. You feel needed and important and you are reminded that a new day will come and you will get to try again. You’re reminded that it gets better and that life doesn’t always suck like this. You finally feel accepted and valid and nothing is wrong anymore. The reason you felt beaten and broken seems so small that it doesn’t matter anymore. You’re not sad because you know it’s going to get better. All of your problems just wash away like a wave smoothing over the sandy beach. You reset yourself. And you feel better. And now you can go to bed feeling loved and wanted knowing that tomorrow is going to be better.
The sun hid. And I, a petulant child, chased after him, in hopes I could bask in his warmth and be stripped of my sin. I ran and ran, but my legs gave up. I wish that I could have been fast enough, and the clouds always engulf him in time. Leaving me stranded in this bleak state of mind
Without the sun, the sky grew dark. So she gathered grey clouds to bury her busted broken heart But her pain seeped through, I felt it on my head. I cursed the sun for the way he had misled her and left her feeling empty. But he kept hiding, the sun had no empathy.
The sky cried. It began as a silent weep but moved to a scream that woke me from my sleep. Thunder that could be heard for miles, but all I could do was listen to her upended smiles. I tried to soak up her sadness, and carry away her tears, But I could never have enough tee-shirt I fear.
So yet again I'm stuck washing the dishes while the other two are fighting over who has the most candy... and trailing after them all day long picking up the chaos they leave in their wake and stuffing it back into something other people had to deal with... and cleaning up the table while those two call me "mom" and then laugh when they see I'm not "mom" and still laugh even when they see I'm not sharing in their amusement... and there they are fighting over who is the "contributing to climate change while I take out the compost... and the recycling. So yet again I'm wearing headphones while I do my homework because if I don't I'll have to listen to screaming children... and doing the laundry while the other kids jump into the piles I had just neatly folded while playing "cowboys"... and helping mom carry all the groceries while the other children whine about how hungry they are. Being the forgotten, ever helping, selfless oldest child is hard...
what if. . . . what if I was just lonely, and maybe have human emotions. nahhh, that can't be why I'm trying to amuse myself at three am by watching comedians on America's Got Talent, but it's not working so I just cry myself to sleep as per usual. no, It wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that I am an adolescent, and very emotionally unstable. it must be because I am a robot and I'm malfunctioning, by showing that I feel pain and sadness, and love, and hate.
(most of this was sarcastic, if you couldn't tell)
don't you understand that you are perfect and no matter how many times I try to ignore it your no longer just a friend to me something else has emgered from the depths of a salty confusion sea something. . . new. you are what I want most now I don't care about much else unless i'm in pain I can't stop thinking about you well sometimes thinking about you is painful so I guess the previous stament is untrue but still i can't help it. I've tried not to like you trust me but it just. . . doesn't work I can't find anything that will keep my mind from wanting to make you smile and laugh and touch me becuase you are everything I've ever wanted plus some! but I can't have you so I sit here and stare at my ceiling trying to fix what's not really broken
Goodbye. Thank you for all the times you've made me laugh, for all the firm touches, hand stable and sure. Thank you for helping me experience what it's like to fall head over heels for someone, to know what it's like to want to make someone laugh and smile as much as they make you do so.
Thank you for bringing fun and spontaneity to my life full of routine, for shocking me with everything I normally don't dare to do. Your very being is everything that I cannot stand for, and yet I found myself falling in love with everything you did. On you, it is alluring, daring, charming. On me, I feel rash, impulsive, idiotic. Yet I craved the adventure you brought to me, found myself dumbfounded at the simplicity in your character.
How do I explain that I spent all today thinking of you. I can't remember when I fell in love with you, because nobody told me I had. Its strange to wake up in love, like having the sun in your chest, it's absolutely terrifying but utterly wonderful. Its 2 am and I can't fall asleep because the sound of your voice is bouncing around inside my head. You would laugh if I told you, telling me the sun is too big to fit in my chest. But you're wrong because I feel it burning away. You called me twice tonight and I remember thinking how much I would like to fall into you and also away from you and also how absolutely terrified I am because this wasn't the plan. I can't stop thinking about the fact that you have hazel eyes and how far away they are from your toes and how I fell in love with you before I knew what love is and my heart is breaking in 15 different ways and how lucky I am to have fallen in love with my best friend.
What happens when I close my eyes and think you ask? Well to put it short, I think about a lot of things. Things like, what do the people around me think about me? Are they staring at me right now? What if they think I look stupid? What if they don’t like me? Are they judging how I look right now? Okay okay okay, just one quick peek to see if anyone is staring at me…...oh wow no one is staring at me, everyone is just...sitting there with their eyes closed… silently … that’s weird. I wonder what they’re thinking about. Maybe they’re thinking about the same things I am. I wonder if anyone thinks like me? Woah wait can anyone read my mind right now? Okay on the count of three cough if you can hear my thoughts...One...Two...Three. Okay no one coughed I’m all good. Okay this whole meditation thing is boring again. I’m done with it. I’m going to go eat a snack or something...
As I sit here and meditate, I think about a lot of things. But one comes up in particular. I am always looking for something new to learn. I spend a lot of my time at home learning to code or doing extra Spanish. One problem I have with wanting to learn stuff outside of school is that I either do it for awhile and drop it, or I learn only a little bit in a day it doesn't stick with me. I feel learning as much as I can now will probably help me in the future and I just like learning in general. I want to find a way to stick with something I am learning.
Friendship is supposed to be Amazing and fun It is supposed to make you feel happy Like you are full of love but people will Use you and break you down Riduclue you for no reason Erase you from their mind
They forget about you while you are reaching out your hand and you can't do anything about it. It breaks you...
I can't right now I just can't It hurts too much to do anything other than heartlessly play pointless video games. i want to tell life to F off. i mean don't I look broken enough? without comparing me to everybody else. pointing out what doesn't fit in or will never be the same.
when I was little I would make friends all over the place it didn't matter where I was or who you were if was on my own and you were too I'd come right up to you and say hi
but now after years of doing that stepping up and saying hi creating bonds and creating ties to all these people that I can barely remember now because I've intentionally forgotten i don't want to remember how it felt to play and laugh and sing and be happy with somebody else there playing and laughing and singing with me because it hurts
i used to make friends all over the place but I was always the one who left I used to cry when my parents said we were going to move again because I knew it meant leaving these friends and it hurt more every time cause I would remember all the times before watching their faces fall their tears start dripping like mine
“There’s good in everyone. Boost. Don’t knock.” This means to me that everyone deserves to be treated with respect. You have to boost up people so that they see the good in themselves, if you knock them down they’ll never see their potential. In schools everyone deserves a boost because everyone deserves a fair shot at an amazing successful life. Not everyone gets that boost however, some people do get knocked down because they aren’t liked by others. When people get knocked down they feel lonely and unsuccessful and no one deserves that. Everyone needs to be boosted and there needs to be a healthy school environment where everyone feels confident in their abilities and shine to become the amazing person that they are.
Words are interesting, right? They’re just letters we string together and decide to add spaces in between. We have so many rules for words, and what they do. We learn them from early on,
"Good morning class, today we will be learning grammar and sentence structure. The first rule I am going to teach you is easy to remember with a cute rhyme; I before E except after C" "Excuse me? What about the word WEIRD?" "Well.. um.. Let’s move on!"
Turns out we can’t explain everything with words. Especially emotions. Have you ever thought to think about why we created swear words at all? Seriously, we have all these words that we tell our children not to say, not to ever say. And some listen, but even the best of us swear sometimes.
What the hell did you expect from me? To just welcome you back with open arms? To just act like nothing happened? You found a loophole, congrats. You found a way to break me again.
