Poetry

I don't dare admit it to myself

to my friends

to my family

I'm embarrassed

ashamed

scared of what could be

I have to find ways to sneakily deal with it

without anyone noticing

A craving beyond craving

a ballad to my love

yellow rice

I have eaten all of your relatives

now it is just you

and I can't find you

I need you

for my survival

as a happy person

When I find

That maybe I don't love it anymore -

When I lost the spark

When I realized

I don't really care

If I make it,

Or don't -

It scares me.

I wander around at practice,

Walking through a field of dandelions

Clinging to my wish,

Clutched in one hand,

Wondering what on earth

I could possibly ask this field of dandelions for.

Should I ask

He raises his hands,

And as our cue,

We begin our dance -

Instruments,

Communicating,

It's like we can talk to each other

Through the song.

He claps his hands twice -

Your friend has betrayed you,

You can’t know for certain,

You need to ask, but don’t want the answer.

You think of all you have shared together,

You hear it offhand, 

A whispered word floating to your ears,

It’s a falsity, preposterous, a rumor,

Of course it’s not true,

But even still,

The tree stands tall,

The leaves an acid, disgusting, green

The trunk a rotting, putrid brown.

The trees were once something to smile at,

In a time forgotten long ago,

They flutter and buzz

Among the dandelions

Butterflies and bees

A girl

In the elementary school

Had to walk around

In an old grey T shirt

Way to big for her

Because

A sliver of skin

Not much thicker than my thumb

Was showing

And the teachers

Hold it together

Be a good kid

Set an example

Make safe decisions

Don't be obnoxious

Or greedy

Or spoiled

Or sassy

Or fresh

Lead your siblings

Your not their mom

But help them

deep shades of black and blue

pressed time again

to withstand the pain of remembrance.

I pick and scratch,

until it becomes a scab, a scrape—

revisited and reopened

in the dead of night