Poetry

The door hums as it opens

I oiled it so it wouldn't creak on my entrance

no automated voice announces me

or where I am

or when

I built this ship of spare parts I collected

from people I knew

I remember

in third grade

we had a group chat

and everyone was talking to each other on their school emails -

this was back when the school hadn't removed G-chat yet -

and you were spamming the chat

What is it like

to have an equal

someone who is your other half of you

who you care for as much as you care for yourself, and more

who you would do anything for

who you would say

When we talked about college

Four years away for you

Five for me

You want to go to MIT

"Math", you said

4.7% acceptance rate

Buddy, trust me, if anyone can make it it's you and that's not even bias,

My therapist told me not to punch waves

I think it was supposed to be a metaphor

I don't punch waves

I throw myself into them

Relentlessly

Until I can't feel the pain

If I called you

Right now

In the middle of the night

If I called you in tears

And said I don't know

I don't know how to do this anymore

Maybe I never did

One second I'm fine

The next

I want to see fields

Of girls

Standing tall to the sun,

Their imperfections

Shined upon the brightest,

Their souls sparkling

We can do hard things.

We can push through heartbreak,

The tears of feeling like we're not wanted,

Like we're not good enough,

We can splash in them.

We can laugh and cry in the same breath

I told myself

Over and over

My future lies within that year

Within a heart so icy

It froze my own

Within eyes so guarded

They became attackers.

By seeking to reclaim our past

The light flickers in my bedroom

as I brush my hair;

I remember that theory that it’s someone dead trying to speak to you,

I’m sure it’s just a thing from movies.

The light flickers again in the bathroom 

at the beginning of the end 

you went to shake my hand 

i followed it with an embrace 

for i could not face 

what i knew would come 

All I want is you,

I try,

I try to talk to you,

spend time with you,

but it just annoys you,

I don't know what to do anymore.

I text you,

you ask 'what do you want?'