Jan 28
earleyg's picture

Black And White

I'm discovering my strengths and weaknesses every day in different areas of study and relationships. With my autism, my default thinking is a strict black-and-white view. There's a yes or a no. There's an up or a down. There's an in and an out. There's no in between. There's no gray area. However ever since I can remember, I've been drawing, painting, creatively writing, and imagining worlds with crazy rules and trends. That conflicts my default thinking and I'm constantly finding myself caught between following my head, the black and white thinking, and my heart, the colorful creative thinking. Now that may seem straightforward in which I should listen to, obviously I should follow my heart, but my heart can blow proportions up to wild scales and eventually I loose track of my train of thought. My head is reality, bound to the rules of nature and the natural order. Sometimes there are questions that are a simple yes or no, or a problem that can be answered pretty straightforwardly, but there are others that involve complex, abstract thinking, and when that happens, I have to switch to a new type of thinking that isn't as easy as I'd always like it to be.

I'm going into a very creative field of study and hoping I will become as successful as Wes Anderson and Steven Spielberg. This field demands abstract thinking for creative writing and creative stories. Every time I start a project, I have to shift from default to desired thinking paths. Because I've been writing for years now, and I love creative writing, it's usually not a big problem, but the black and white thinking isn't limited to my major. It also shows in my everyday decision-making. It limits the amount of empathy I'm capable of feeling, which can put me on in a different boat than everyone else. It reminds me that when I think in black and white, it's more limiting than liberating. I believe with more time, practice, and therapy, I will be able to not only switch between the two types of thinking, but combine the two and apply them to all aspects. I just need to be patient with myself and it would help if others understand the challenge too.