Poetry

They tell me I can trust them with anything.

They tell me not to hide.

They tell me that they won't tell anyone.

But...

They never think about why I can't trust them.

They never think about why I hide.

Everyone could make excuses

for when the bears showed up late

to the party

fashionably late

they called it

but when the bears came early

no one

could explain the questions

away.

I was gonna write something dark.

And depressing. 

But I'm not really in the mood to do that right now.

I dunno if the world is headed for good.

It depends on us. 

What we chose.

They're obsessed with social media and two-second dating

we talk about climate change and ski racing

they'll talk about what they're supposed to

we'll talk about the world's problems and what to do

My father texted me on Valentine's day 

Three years ago I would've responded

But this year I asked who it was

I had deleted his contact 

I don't regret it 

Because my dad died years ago

I know I can never have her like I want to

If I could even have her like that I wouldn't take it

Not anymore 

But maybe in another lifetime I would 

My heart only beats for her

There are many moments

Where I don’t feel 

Deserving

Of the attention

Today I’m reminding myself

Of how far I’ve come,

All the years I’ve spent

Living in pain

Cold, bitten, waiting at the door

Rain like the universe’s tears streaming down his cheeks

He knows rejection—it's known him from the start

You see, forgiveness is his revenge on himself

Mountains like monuments waiting

You may criticize 

With your finger pointing at me

But you do not rule my life

Does my confidence bother you?

You cannot stand to be wrong 

You demand attention and validation

I promise you I care

This I know for sure.

I promise you I’m here

Just maybe not to stay.

I promise you I’m fine

Just in my own way.

I promise you I’m trying

I swear I always have been.

I am a teenager

My life is not simple

I am traumatized and scarred

And doing my best

But it seems like adults can’t see this

All they see is an anxious little girl

Who doesn’t seem to care

If only I’d never met you

If only I had been stronger

If only I had seen sooner

Just how abusive you are

If only I hadn’t let you

Turn my life to ruin

If only I hadn’t tried